Im at school... and bored bored bored. I have one assignment left to do, and I dont feel like doing it.
So ya... Im so tired and sore. I worked 13 and a half hrs straight thru yesterday and Im just dying. Woke up this morning with strep throat, a headache and soreness everywhere. Yet for some reason I was inclined to clean. SO I took every piece of friggen furnature out of my livingroom, took every picture and poster off the walls, washed the friggen walls, vaccummed... the room was so bare and clean... it was awesome. My mum suggested I paint while the room was bare, but there is no way I could live like that til I HAVE the time to paint, so I am slowly moving it all back in. Very slowly. So much friggen clutter... so much STUFF. I hate being a packrat, but I dont want to get rid of anything.
So when I get home Im gonna watch American Idol I taped, and Dead Like Me and then I have to clean like mad before I collapse in bed. Darn bunnies are in my room, so Im sure Ill be up all damn night. Then tomorrow clean like a mad man til mum comes home around 3:30, go shopping cuz its the only time I HAVE to shop for everything I am running out of, and then off to bloody work at 5:30. Work all day Sat, looks like Heidi is booking me in for Sunday... School on Monday. Its nice being busy but God dammit I am tired.

The "3" Quiz:

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Aschley
2. Ash
3. Ashy

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Natalya
2. Gabrielle Anderson
3. PippinMyLove

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My eyes
2. My Hair (most days)
3. My, umm... ears?

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My nose
2. My chin
3. My everything else :p

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Native Indian
2. French
3. Scottish

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Spiders
2. Dying
3. Little spaces

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. My pets
2. Video games
3. Music

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. My fav black sweater
2. My livestrong bracelet and charm bracelet
3. 11 earrings

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment):
1. No Doubt
2. Culture Club
3. Toddy Walters

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment):
1. Pretty Look Lookin (White Stripes)
2. Angels Do (Rick Scott)
3. Ur So Cold (Toddy Walters)

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Losing weight
2. Do some travelling
3. I dont know... hehe

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Someone who truely loves me like crazy
2. Someone who can make me laugh
3. Someone who is commited.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in random order) :
1. I want a turtle and a kitten
2. I think Britney Spears is sexy
3. I like the smell of gasoline

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes
2. Smile
3. Hair

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Juggle
2. Stop talking
3. Stand on my head

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Playing video games
2. Photography
3. Writing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Stop coughing
2. Have dinner
3. Play Sims2

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Photography
2. Film maker
3. Child Psycologist

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. New Zealand
2. Rome
3. Japan

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. Natalya
2. Gabrielle
3. Izabella

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Travel
2. Have kids
3. Find true love

THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. I like dressing up
2. I like putting on makeup
3. I like flirtinh

THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A GUY:
1. I love videogames
2. Im a slob
3. I curse a lot

Post #153

In a couple weeks I will have been posting for 2 yrs... funny how I only have about half a yrs worth of posts. I feel like I never stop writing in here. Then again, in the beginning, I would go months without writing. Only in this last yr has it become like an addiction.
A yr ago today I babysat Alicia and I posted a cute pic of the two of us on my blog. A picture that Keri loved... Keri. Yep, a yr ago I was still talking to Keri. A yr ago on this day Keri and I were about as close as two people on the internet could get. I miss her. And if we hadn't left on such bad terms, we'd still be talking. Im afraid to contact her. I dont wanna deal with it if she starts to yell at me. Then again, because it is email and not real life, I can always push delete and gone.
Funny how so much can change in a yr. Two yrs ago this month I was working at Dairy Queen and going to night school for that infamous English course hehe. Id do anything to relive that class. Now Im in boring farkin Gr 12 computers where all we do for 4 hrs is type. GOD ITS A PAIN IN THE ASSSSSSSSS. And we have a test on Monday. Doy.
But anywho, its not a yr ago, and its not 2 yrs ago, its today. Today where I am thinner then I was 3 yrs ago but fatter then I was 10 yrs ago. Today where I work at a photography studio. And today I have a sitting with 9 people and a couple hrs later, a sitting with 16. Jody tried to tell me, dont live in the past. He's not the first person to tell me that either. I do live in the past, I know I do. I get sad when I see videos of me and my sister and brother as kids. Because, that will never happen again. We can never relive that. And when I went to BC when I was 14, was one of the most fun times in my life. And it was so beautiful there... I dont talk to any of those people anymore. And Im 9 yrs older. Ill never relive that again. Or when I was camping when I was 16, and dating Dewald and we did fun things like the scavenger hunt, or our nightly adventures of rolling fire pits down a hill into a pond. Or skipping school with Marla and Taylor and having our little adventures. Or hanging out with Melissa almost everyday after school and singing and making up our inside sayings... or when me and my sister shared a room when I was 17 and she was 10. Stuff like that, was so damn fun at the time. But I can't go back and relive them and it makes me sad. And at the same time, things in my past that were bad, and unfortunately I can't get into them on here, but there is a lot of stuff... that stuff I wish hadn't happened. And I dwell on it every single day. I dont know what it is with me and the past. I dont want to be 23. Im too old. I want to go back and relive my life. Fix the wrong things and charish the good things. Its not fair that I cant. Why am I forced to move on? I have nothing to move on to. Im alone, I dont have kids, I dont have a career... there is no reason to go foreward... I want to go back.

Fear is a new product to sell, its a pamphlet that hangs on your door

I talked to Jody til 3am last night. I dunno what it is about him that makes me wanna cry whenever we talk. But I do =) I dont really tell him that tho.
We were having an intense (for me anyway) discussion about the way the world works and why people are how they are. He doesnt believe in evil. I think thats insane. We debated a bit. I dunno. His ideas about the world are intresting and very logic. But also... sad. And I can't believe in them I dont think. He believes there is no God. I agree with that. but from there we are kinda parted.
He knows I totally over focus on stuff from my past. He says I have to learn to go "fuck what happened in the past." in other words... can't do anything about it. It wasn't fun at the time, but its over and I cant change that. And that makes sense. And I try telling myself that all the time. But, I dunno. Its just not that easy I guess. Even the little things upset me, like fights Ive had with friends and family in the past, or being tortured in school, or the fact I feel I have no one now. I can't stop thinking. I think a lot, too much. And it always leads to me being upset. I must have say "I can't" and "its not that easy" about 50 times to him last night and Im sure he was ready to throttle me. I cant think how he thinks. In a way, I kinda think he thinks that way to numb himself to his difficult past. Which is sad, yes. but at least he IS numb to it. May come back to bite him in the ass one day tho.
hehe thank God he doesnt read my blog. I try not to write about people I know read this, which is only Jenna and my mum and sister every now and then. Actually I dont know if my mum comes by anymore. But ya... I have to be careful. hehe.
Finally workin at Sportchek tonight. 50% of me wants to say fuck it and quit. I dont really like it there, I havent been there in a long time, I dont like the management, a lot of times there is nothing to do, yet with such a large staff I have to look busy, I cant get away with doing nothing like I can at the portrait studio. but 50% of me wants to say. The job is kind of a no brainer, because of the big staff I have more of an oppertunity of making friends, or meeting a guy, I have a uniform that not only Ive already paid for, but because I have one I dont have to sit infront of the closet for an hr wondering what I should wear. So ya, I guess Ill see how tonight goes. Its been 3 months since Ive worked there. *yikes!*

Mice Elf

How is it so easy for some people to just... move on? Im like, totally amazed. How can people like, not be crippled by terrible things that have happened to them in their past? how do they not think about it all the time?
All I ever think about is the bad things that have happened in my life. I dont really think about the good. The bad is like, more dominate. You know? Sticks out more. But other people Ive looked into who have had difficult lives are, like, happy. Not all ofcourse but a lot of them are. Look at commediens. Some of them have been thru real bad stuff. Abused as kids, or parents dying when they were a child, or raped or made fun of in school or whatever... and they stand up on a stage and make people laugh. And they are flamboyant and funny. How? I dunno... its weird.
Anywho my little thought of the night... going to bed soon. Ta.

Totally changed and updated "100 Things I Hate About Me" Take a looksee.

Tears

When I was little, only 5, my grandfather looked at me one day when I was crying. My parents were leaving on their honeymoon and I was so sad to see them go. He said to me "wipe away your tears." I said no. He told me if I did not wipe away my tears they would stay on my face and dry and turn into wrinkles. He said "then you'd look old like me." I thought about it for a moment, then wiped them away.
For yrs and yrs after, I would always wipe away my tears, remembering what he said, but I never really though about it. Now I know, ofcourse, that a tear stained face won't give you wrinkles, but maybe even back then he was trying to tell me something. Maybe he cried a lot? Maybe he knew how sensitive Id become and how I would cry a lot.
I don't wipe my tears away anymore. I let them dry on my face. I should look about 90 by now. But everytime I let tears dry on my face, I think of my poppi and how he got me to wipe away my sadness so simply. Wish it was that simple now.

All I ever did to you was love you...

What did I do to make you hate me so much?
We were close once, for maybe a day.
We were almost closer then friends in my eyes.
You said all the right things to me.
I fell so in love with you that day.
But the day after, things were different.
You were shyer, crueler, what did I do?
How can someone change so much overnight?
Now, you won't even talk to me.
All I get from your end is silence.
What happened between us that night as I slept?
All I ever did to you was love you.

hey, somebody can u hear me now? cuz my world is caving in...

I wish we all could be beautiful.
In spirit... in mind... in looks... in words...
I hate ugliness. I see it everyday.
The world is so fucked UP. Why must we be forced to live here?

Was lookin thru some interestin blogs and I came across one of those buncha questions things. Can't remember where I got it but I thought hey. If anyone cares to know weird things about me, here we go:

1. Your name spelled backwards: yelhcsa or aylatan ya try and pronounce those!

2. Where were your parents born? Dunno and Dunno. Actually Im pretty sure mum was born in Winnipeg.

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? I can't remember... I need to redownload realplayer tho.

4. What's your favorite restaurant? Swiss Chalet and Kelsey's

5. Last time you swam in a pool? 1997... seriously. No wait. 1998. No wait... a wavepool in 2000.

6. Have you ever been in a school play? tons and tons

7. How many kids do you want? somewhere between 2 and 10

8. Type of music do you dislike most? country and classical... *shudder*

9. Are you registered to vote? unfortunately

10. Do you have cable? hell ya

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? nope

12. Ever prank call anybody? holy hell... not only have a prank called, I have a few on tape. Bloody hilarious!

13. Ever get a parking ticket? Nah I just started driving. Give me time.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? I would bungee jump into a big inflatable thingy. But not over water. And no way Id skydive! Why tempt fate?!

15. Farthest place you ever traveled? Florida

16. Do you have a garden? My mum has a little one out front

17. What's your favorite comic strip? Baby Blues

18. Do you really know all the words to the national anthem? yes, the Canadian one

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? bath or shower at night.

20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? Boogeymen is very good. So is The Falculty (surprisingly) and Napoleon Dynamite.

21. Favorite pizza toppings? cheese and pepperoni

22. Chips or popcorn? chips... if they are the right flavour. (or movie popcorn)

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? pink glossy stuff

24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? say what?

25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? ya right.

26. Orange Juice or apple? orange

27. Favorite type of chocolate bar? areo

28 When was the last time you voted at the polls? I had to vote for mayor of cambridge or some shit a few months ago

29. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? umm like when I was 11.

30. Have you ever won a trophy? in softball when I was like 9. I dont even think it was a trophy tho. I know I got a plack.

31. Are you a good cook? Decent.

32. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Obviously.

33. Ever order an item from an infomercial? Nah, no credit card. (Thank God or Id have everything)

34. Sprite or 7-up? Diet of either

35. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? haha, I practically collect em. MacDonalds, Tim Hortons, Dairy Queen, Zellers, Zehrs, Sportchek... I THINK thats it!

36. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Hugs. The chocolate. Dead serious... bought em yesterday.

37. Ever throw up in public? Probably.

38. Would you prefer being a millionaire or to find true love? True love any day

39. Do you believe in love at first sight? Ya. Ive experienced it.

40. Ever call a 1-900 number? maybe?

41. Can exes be friends? I dont have any exes as friends so... haha. Id say no?

42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? Geez... probably my uncle Mike when he had a heart attack YRS ago? Or maybe when my mum had her gullbladder removed in like 1996? Not recently anyway. IVE been in the hospital more recently. At least 4 times since '96 haha.

43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? Yep

44. What message is on your answering machine? My cell doesnt have that option... God dammit. My old one was just "Hey you've reached me, leave a message"

45. What is in your backpack? I dont have one :p

46. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? read

47. What is one thing you are grateful for today? Today? Hmm... a real funny South park episode I spose. Its friggen Valentine's Day and Im alone. Not exactly feeling greatful right now!

48. What is the first concert you ever went to? Culture Club when I was like 2!

More perfect then an angel

I dreampt about you last night. You were more perfect then an angel. Your eyes were soft and caring and your voice was sweet and soothing. You loved me the minute you saw me and I loved you as well. I was addicted to you. I craved you. Last night, I dreampt you came into my life and changed it all for the better. When I woke up, you were gone. A mist that was instantly faded with one breath. When I went to work today, you were there. You stepped out of my dreams and into my camera room. You were waiting for me, and when I walked in you looked up at me with those soft caring eyes. I fell in love with your smile and everything about you. Every chance I got, I touched your shoulder, your arm, your hair, just to reassure myself you were real. You never faltered, never flinched, never pulled away. Every second we spent together was magical, but over too quickly. As soon as you were there, you were leaving. I said your name as you walked out of my life. My angel, my dream. I got a taste of what it was like for a dream to come true, even if it was for only half an hr.

Why do people look away when I smile? Is it because they can see its fake? Maybe they can see the sadness and the pain in my eyes. Maybe they catch a glimpse into my soul and are scared of what they see. Afraid it might be contagious.
Why don't people look into my eyes? Is it hard to look into my eyes and smile? I pass so many people each day. Each person, a blur. A faded memory as soon as they are out of sight. No smiles. Just a rush of ants on a planet full of hate and evil. No wonder everyone is so unhappy. Maybe we all carry a deep dark secret... or is it just me?

reach out

Lately, when Ive tried to talk to Toddy she's too busy. Even if she says "We'll talk tomorrow!" I try and she's too busy. I think I may be bothering her. So Im gonna stop talking to her for awhile. This week she hasn't even been on msn. I think she may be avoiding me? I know she's online cuz she's on my aim. We've never talked thru there, but I have her on my list and Im on hers. I hate bothering people... but I have no bloody friends. So when I get someone who is nice and talks to me and is willing to be a friend to me, why is it so bad that I want to talk to them and spend time with them? Its like, Im a bad person. but if I leave these people alone, they never actually get in contact with ME. Ive seen it happen a hundred times. Sarah and Melissa and even Tom way back when I was a teenager. If I stop calling, or writing, or trying... the relationship dies. but if I do try, Im annoying. I dont even know what to do anymore. I thought I had a few friends now, but I dont think I do. I think I have Jenna (whoops Jennifer :p) and thats it. And as it is, she is usually too busy to see me. We chat online a few days a week, but still. No hanging out a lot or anything. I havent actually SEEN her since like Nov. As for Toddy, I think shes just nice to me because shes nice to everyone. Thats her nature. But she HAS tons and tons of people in her life vying (sp?) for her attention. Most people I know do. I hate being me. Sucks so bad. I wish things would pick up for christ sakes.

(Like my new bg? ;)

Another at work blog. It's 7:46pm on Tues Feb 8. Im bored and tired. Today as I got dressed for work, I was kinda feeling pretty... whuch is rare for me. I did my hair and I thought it looked cute. Dad told me later that my hair looked nice. Its rare I get a compliment, so I was pleased.
I did my makeup and wore jewelery and felt... nice. So, just now I decided to walk through the mall and see if anyone looked at me... and the only people that did more then a glace were old smelly men! WTF! What about the cute single men my age?
Tody, I bought fries for dinner (DIET CHEAT ALARM!) Anywho, I got this yummy thing called "The Works" which is cheese, sour creme and bacon. And chilli and onions but yuck, I always get it without that crap. So I asked the who was there, about 15 yrs old I think. This kid was so flirty in such an innocent way which I found cute. he stuttered over asking if I wanted a drink. It came to $5.05 and I gave him two $5 bills and after like a min he gives me back one of them and says "I have 5 extra cents in the drawer." hehe
I watched him make the "works". It was so cute. He put on so much bacon for me. lol. Then he handed me the bag and I said thx and gave him my biggest smile. And he stopped in the middle of saying "have a nice day", literally right in the middle and stared at me like a deer in headlights lol.
But ya, walkin thru the mall was a bust. No head turners. I think I'll take another lap.

(PS, like the piccy of me? I took it when I got home. Me feelin pretty lol)

you know you're pretty good lookin, for a girl

Yo. Comp went boom a few days ago so she is in the comp hospital. But she is all better now and hopefully coming home tonight.
Work is pretty good. it looks like I am the only one who actually follows the friggen rules about shooting and doing stuff on the comp and shit. And I close every Sat night so I now do every film cut as well. But in all honesty, this seems a little too fimiliar. Lots of responsability when Ive been there such a short amount of time... doing really good and being pretty much the only person who does what she is supposed to... everytime this has happened in other jobs, Ive been fired. I mean, thats only been like twice, but still. It worries me. The good thing is, we have a staff of 5. And two of the girls work 1 or 2 days a week. Heidi gets the most hrs cuz she's the boss and me and Michelle kinda split the rest. She gets a little more then me but then again for a couple weeks she's at another store, so my hrs have picked up. Anywho my point...? Oh ya so Im hoping there isnt much chance Ill be fired because we have just enough staff right now ya know? But ya so lol... kinda babbled on there.
Started school yesterday. Friggen AGAIN. This is my last night school course. I have to do two correspondance before May. For some reason Im taking my lazy sweet ass time contacting the lady at school about it. Im a didiot. Yes. A didiot. I HAVE to get this shit done. Oy. What is her name anyway? Ummmm... crap. I think I shall call the school.. brb. OYS I hate that secretary. Always such a friggen BIOTCH!!!!!!!!!! Sorry hehe. But seriously. Ticks me off. I hate being talked down to. Loser...
Okies so ya her name is Ann... that correspondence lady. A duh. So she's gonna have her call me HOPEFULLY cuz well, she seems like the kind of bitch who would oops, lose my number or spill coffee on it lol.
Well i dont really have anything else to say. i came online after being off like 3 days and I had 5 emails, all crap ones and like no one is online. Oy, sucks not to be missed lol.

I feel like shit, you look like gold
(Written at 8:01pm on Tues Feb 1 at work)

At work today I was walking through the mall handing out coupons. I saw Jody sitting on a bench in the middle of the mall with 2 other girls. I turned my head as I walked by so he wouldn't see me. I feel so ackward around him. He doesn't even really talk to me on msn anymore. Unless I talk first, but I think he's just being polite when he replies.
Anywho when I was heading back to Sears a few minutes later, he was walking right towards me. At first I kept looking straight, but watching him with the corner of my eye. Then as we got closer I looked right at him. He completely avoided me and I felt like we were in slow motion. We passed eachother so closely our shoulders almost touched. A big breeze swept around me. I could feel his energy and I breathed him in and got a little teary eyed. I don't even know if he realized he had just passed me.
Doesnt it suck to have such a huge crush on someone? To care so deeply about someone who doesn't even want to be your friend? I wish I had no feelings for him...