Its better to leave then to be left behind

I had a bad day. I got in trouble at work kinda. Just felt depressed today. I kinda feel lately like I miss someone, but I don't know who. Its creepy.
So I still don't know what's going on tomorrow. Apparently Jenna is picking me up around 2 to go to the yeehaw thing, and then we are probably going to Jody's concert at 6. I wanna go SO bad. I just wanna hear him sing my song... :p Umm so ya we're doing that and if she cant go I have to try and find a ride and go alone.
Its technically Hallowe'en. Wow... like who cares. Just another day to me. Probably will be forever now. I dont go to parties, never invited, and Im not having kids anytime soon (which sucks) so ya... Hallowe'en boogy boogy nothing.

Someday you will ache like I ache

New blog version. 9.0 or something, I lost track. I like this one, Im not usually into green but I came across this girl pinkerella's blog and she had a template close to this in green and I had this pic of Izabella Scorupco in green that I liked so I decided why not.
So I reeeeeally wanted to go to the concert on Sunday. A guy from my work's band is in it, plus my friend Jody's band (he's gonna sing my fav song!) and some friend's of my sister's band is gonna be there as well. But I fucking can't get anyone to go with me. I asked Jenna and she can't, I asked my sister who ofcourse can't cuz she always has plans. I hate being such a loner, I guess Im gonna have to go alone which is gonna SUCK but whatever.
Anywho I better go to bed. 13 hr day starts in 7 hrs. Good gravy...

We are all masochistic in a world where we need to kill to be free

Im still a little sad after the other day, but Im better. Just trying to actually GET over it and move on. It's hard, but Im not a total mess. I think it kinda helps I havent talked to him since. I have to find someone else, someone better hehe. It will be hard tho. Oy I hate being single. Im gonna be 23 in two months almost exactly. 2 months on Halloween. What's good tho is for the first time in awhile Im gonna be real busy the next few days. I work all night tonight at Sears, and closing, alone, and Ive closed that store... so it should be interesting lol, then tomorrow I work at Sears from 9am-12:30, then Im at Sportchek from 1:30-10 and then Sunday I think I am going out with a friend of mine to something calle Yeehaw... ya I dunno either :p And if I get home in time I wanna talk to Tracey about me taking Alicia trick or treating... that would be so fun. Then Monday I dont work as far as I know, but I do have school. Mid term on Thurs. But ya Ill be pretty busy til Monday. Help take me mind off him hehe.

One day... in a life time

So... last night I was talking to this guy I have such strong feelings for. Everytime I talk to him, Im just real happy cuz he is an amazing person. Anyway I vowed to myself never to tell him how I felt about him because he has a gf now and Im a freak and all, but it accidently slipped last night. Well I didnt say it but I came close enough that he got the point. I felt so stupid, I cried so hard that even now my eyes are still a little swollen. Thank God it was online so I didnt have to face him. He let me down gently and was so nice about it. Bastard... figures I finally find a guy so sweet and I can't have him. I always knew though that we'd never get together but in the back of my mind I always kinda hoped. So maybe it was good we talked it out cuz now I can move on. It hurts, but I'll live.
So anywho got home from school a few hrs ago. Boring as usual. God my life is SO BORING right now. I wanna get on with it, I just can't wait til Im done schoooooool!
Hey Toddy emailed me this morning yay! She's doing good it sounds. I have to try and catch her on aim. I miss her :p
Im off.

Perfection

The other day, it was kinda rainy. My sister and dad and I were waiting in the car to pick up my mum. I had to run in Sportchek to make sure she was coming and I came out and I saw the most perfect rainbow. Ive seen like parts of rainbows b4, but this was a perfect arch. You could see the beginning, and there it ended. All the colours... and it was broken anywhere. It was huge... and so beautiful. Ahh... it's nice to see perfection.
Yesterday at school, we did a test. I think I failed. Didn't study AT ALL. Then we had break at 7, and by 8 Sara and I had NOTHING to do. We were done everything that needed to be done by break NEXT class. So we're like "can we leave?" and he's like "do you have everything done? Powerpoint and everything?" and we're like ya! So he says "go sign out and tell the principal ur sick or something" and we laughed. He came with us downstairs and we had to wait for 10 mins while some chick went on and on to the principal about how unfair her dayschool teacher was. Her teacher caught her eating in class and got mad at her so like a baby this girl caused a scene to the principal and quit school. haha, anywho. The three of us are standing there, Sara is pretending to read every pamplet on the desk, it was funny. Anywho after this girl leaves the principal looks at us and is like "Id rather have u two anyday!" she knows Sara from way back and Im always with Sara. Shes telling our teacher (after Sara announces we're leaving and the teacher tells her we have everything done a day early) how smart Sara is and she looks at me and is like "Im not sure about her, cuz I dont know her too well" and Im like "Im intellegent..." and everyone laughs and my teacher is like "let's vote on it!" haha... anywho. Its funny cuz I said to Sara after how in all the classes we've been in together, I always manage a better mark then her. So if shes so intellegent I must me a genius. We laughed, and went to dinner at East Side Marios. We made up a story while waiting for our food. Its about a girl who loses her head and arm and leg. It was so funny.
Anywho day off today! Yay! Gotta clean the bunny cages tho and take back three chairs to Walmart cuz they all fell apart on me... argh.
So Im off. Nighters! Wait... why did I say night? Its 10:30am... Im wack. Wiggity wack? Nope, just regular type.

jeeez
The news has this huge story... apparently Prince Harry was caught cheating on a test or something... who bloody cares? Man, the kids sneezes and everyone knows about it...
K, away from the bitchyness for a min =)
Last week we had Thanksgiving. Big family thing on Sunday. It sucked ass. It was at a campsite... so it was cold. And my sister and brother and I sat in a trailor alone playing cards the whole time. Whatev.
Then Monday my family and Adam went to Swiss Chalet for dinner. It was fun. We kept laughing. We made a drink out of hand water, a lemon, a lime, chalet sauce, cabbage, some sort of veggies... carrot and stuff, coke, ketchup, LOTS of sugar, pepper, salt, salad dressing and butter. And my mum and sister and brother actually TASTED IT. Adam and my dad looked like they were gonna throw up, it was so funny. It smelled like ass.
Then I worked this week. Every day so far, and I work til Sunday and I probably work all next week too. I don't mind it tho. A bunch of 4 and 5 hr shifts, so whatev. I get to sleep in and I still don't waste my day away.
Probably gonna see Team America tomorrow. I LOVE U TREY... *sigh* My baby... :p
I saw Kellie today, told her I quit. I think she was proud. *hehe* I told her she should get a job at Sportchek with me. That would be awesome. I miss her. I was her buddy... as Brenda said we were attached at the hip *lmao*
I need some money, more money and more time...
Wow... I got nothing more to say at the mo so Im out!

...if I reach deep within my heart

Ive come to an opinion over the last few days. I'm a nobody. I am one little person in a world of something like 6 billion people. I am not "the most important" to anyone. The last 6 years or whatever, Ive been working my ASS off trying to get people to like me. I'm all nice and sweet and shit, and polite. I'll do anything I can to spend time with people, get them to enjoy my presence, buy them gifts and all this shit. Then I get so depressed and insulted when they don't return my feelings. So I end up on an extremely sour note with those I was trying to become tight with. I play the hurt bunny everytime someone around me doesn't act like I am the most mportant to them. I don't know why Im like this, but this has been the brink of my depression for awhile now I think. So Ive decided to stop trying, altho I think I went to the other extreme. At my sister's boyfriend's concert yesterday I was you're basic life of the party... and Im being sarcastic. I think I smiled maybe 3 times all night. No one came up to me to talk to me, so I stayed by myself and observed around me. Which kinda upset my mum cuz she thinks I should be friendlier. I was like "tried that, didn't work" and she's like "you're so negative" and Im like "so? what difference does it make to you? just leave me alone k?" (I wasn't as mean about it and it sounds in type) and she's like "but all people do it leave you alone, you like it?" meaning I have no friends and shit and Im like "Im used to it" and she kinda sighed.
So now I pretty much have decided fuck the world. If someone is supposed to be in my life, let em come to me and do that work cuz I am SO sick of it. Im sick of constantly making the effort, calling the few friends Ive had and working around them so we can spend time together, and have them never call me.
I wanna dye my hair black, I wanna get my lip peirced, I wanna be a sheltered freak.
I wonder if I can work at Sportchek with a peirced lip? Sears would probably frown on it tho. Darn...
Im considering dying my hair tho, wonder how Id look? Im gonna ask Heidi, my boss at Sears, if ur allowed to work there with a peirced lip, or nose. Maybe Ill get my nose done. I dont like the way eyebrown peircings look that much, but who cares, maybe Ill do that too. And I wanna lose 100 pounds cuz a fat freak is a SCARY freak. Maybe Ill stop eating. Nah I get weak if I dont eat for too long. Maybe like once a day? Hmm... I so gotta diet.

A sad sad bunny

Hey. Well I quit Tim Horton's, and I got hired at my mum's work Sportchek as well as Sears. and Sportchek is giving me massive hours, I worked the day after I was hired for 8 an a half hrs. So, this is how last week went for me. Monday: interview at Sportchek and Sear, went to the doctors and was told I sprained my back and to stay away from hard labour like Tim's, went to school. Tues: hired at Sear. Wed: first day at Sears. Thurs: Worked at Sears, went to school.. Fri: Worked at Sears, hired at Sportchek, officially quit Tim Horton's. Sat: First day at Sportchek. Sun: RELAXING. Then next week I work Mon-Fri 9 hrs each, plus school, plus one or two nights Ill be at Sears.
Im happy, cuz both places pay me more plus the work won't be as hard on my back. But in a way Im sad cuz Ill be working SO much. However, Ill save as much as I can so that when Im done school next summer Ill have shit saved up for whatever.
*yawn* Im tired, but I don't wanna waste the night. Because there is no more getting up at 5am anymore, I can sleep til 7 which is nicer! Cept the days I start at 7, then I get up at 6, but that's still okay. Tomorrow I start at 8:30 but Im going in with mum at 8. So as long as Im in bed by 11:30 or 12 Ill be good. It's now 9.
I feel SO miserable. Im so sick of being depressed but I can't seem to help it. I need a fucking friend, a social life, it's so sad being me.