my heart had a chance to stop hurting

omg!! Just got back from another run. I was only out 15-20 mins this time. Same distance but I ran more then I did yesterday. This time I ran a good portion back home instead of walking home all the way. My lungs have almost closed and my arms and legs are screaming, but oh well. Ill live thru it. One day Ill do that whole thing running and not even get tired. ha...! Maybe :p
My mum booked my very first physical with the doctor on Feb 14. Happy Valentine's day! Eventho u dont have a bf a cute women doctor gets to look at ur privates... whoopdeedoo! Im kinda nervous. But Ill be 23 at the time and I probably should have it done. I gotta book an earlier appointment too. Talk with her about some of my ailments. See if Im sick or just a hypercondricact. Hmm, cant spell it but I may be it!
*cough choke wheeze* Im so pathetic. In 3 hrs and 45 mins Ill be walking to work. So when Im finally rested from this run back out I go. I close tonight which is cool. Havent worked since that long ass shift on Sunday and I wont work again til Fri. Well thats only two days lol. And its only 2-5. Closing, New Yrs eve. Whoopie shit. I dont even watch the damn ball drop anymore. Just dont care!
Lauren, whom I work with, said next week I only for 2 shifts. She gave me one of hers. A little closer on Sunday. Thats cool. My mum says I should put my availability in at Sportchek so they can put me back on the schedule. Gosh, in a way I dont wanna go back. LOL... this time 2 months ago I loved it there and wasn't too keen on Sears. Now its opposite. Mum says I should quit. Maybe I should. I mean, I might go back and be cool with it and like it again like I did before. Its kind of a no brainer. I have to retrain myself on cash tho I think.
Wow what a boring blog today. Okay! Lets talk about something else.
New Years Revolutions!
1. Lose weight (a duh)
2. Stop being so negative
3. Stop voicing your opinion in public. No one cares what u have to say
4. Stop being so pushy
5. Stop pressuring people into liking u
Okay I think thats it lol.
Ahhh I feel nauseous again... and again I cant spell it. Im off my homies. *cough wheeeeeeze* Im like a little old lady :p

can't... breathe....
Ive decided that Im sick and tired of being a big fatass. I realized this yesterday when shopping for clothes. I was trying on a shirt and looked at myself in the mirror and was like wow, my arms are fucking massive. Beeeeeefcake. And my ass and tummy and legs are thunder sized huge. So Im like fuck this sucks. Im sick of getting XL in everything. So today I went on a short run. I dont know how far or how long I was out there. About half an hr maybe a tad more. I started running, then I ended up walking, then short run, long walk, 2 second run, all the way back home walk haha. Halfway thru Im scarfing down on my puffer cuz my asthma kicks in when Im active or in the cold. I was both so haha. Ya. Im still coughing now. But it felt good I guess. haha eventho I didnt use my arms they are sore. Typing is a bitch.
So ya yay me. Now I have to start to eat right tho. I started the day off with a pasta lunch. Stupid thing to do but I think I just ran it all off haha. I gotta slow down on the fucking carbs. Be firm with myself.
Oh! Today my boss called me. She looked at the sitting I did with the 16 people and said she thought I did real real well. She said there were a couple minor things, but considering it was my first time with a group that size and I had no help, she was very impressed and said she was PROUD of me! Ahh! I love being proud of lol.
SO so far a good day. I feel like Im gonna puke and I need a shower majorly and my room is a mess... but its only 2:45. Lots of time for cleaning, showering and puking :p Latah!

don't you think that you need somebody?

I love the rain. The sound, the smell. I love to walk in the rain. Crying in the rain is the best because your tears just blend in with the raindrops on your face.
If it is raining outside, that's the best time to walk and think and contemplate life and have a good cry. People who pass you on the street under their brightly coloured umbrellas don't notice a sad crying girl in the rain. It's like wearing an invisability cloak.
When I was little and in school and we'd have recess, if it started raining kids would scream and run inside. Not me. Id stand in the rain until the end of recess, just looking at the sky and basking in the warm water. My life would stop for those 15 minutes and I would just stand there frozen in time, in the rain.

it's your sam

As u can see I took Toddy off as my main pic and put in Sean Astin from LOTR. Has this ever happened to you? You're watching a movie, maybe you've seen it before maybe not, with an actor you have seen plenty of times before, but something that do in a perticular scene, a look they give or something you never noticed before just makes you fall in love with them? Well maybe not, but it happens to me lol. Ive been watching Sean Astin movies for yrs and yrs and yrs. And as much as I loved him in LOTR I was watching 50 First Dates just now and something he did, I can't even remember, a look he gave I think, I just went all wow he's so cute!
I mean he IS the third hobbit Ive been madly in love with. First was Frodo. I had it bad for him lol. Then Pippin... even had a hobbit sex dream about him! And now Sam :p Wow I need a man lol.
Anywho I got a video cam for xmas! Woo! I can start makin movies. My first project was a documentry about visiting my uncle and grandma, lol. Just needs to be edited and shit I think I can make it funny. I only got an hr's worth of footage but it's plenty!
My uncle's gf was like real weird tho yesterday. I kinda thought her and I were getting close. She always seemed THRILLED to see me, big hugs and all. But yesterday she acted like she couldn't see me. At one point we were alone in the kitchen while I was getting a drink and I fully expected her to say SOMETHING to me, and she didn't. She barely acknowledged me. It was weird. I was nice to her, but kinda got sick of being snubbed so I didn't talk to her the rest of the day. *shrug* I dunno. I wanted to go over for another visit, and my uncle really seems to want to have me, but I dont know if I feel comfortable now. As it is she has like 3 of her kids living with her now. Well they all live with my uncle hehe. But u know what I mean.
So ya... fricken weird. I had a good Xmas tho. Got lots of movies, an mp3 player, a couple games. Good hull lol. *sneeze* and a cold aparently.
Had a sitting today. 16 people. Supposed to be 15 but one of the teenaged kids brought his new gf. Which I thought was weird... in a family pic ur gonna keep forever. What if they dont last more then a month? lol but it went well. Good sports. So I was there 10-6. The sitting went from 1-3 and when I wasnt doing that I was reading my book haha. And wearing a winter jacket cuz its so fucking COLD in there.
omg... typing is making me nasious (FUCK Ive tried 10 times cant spell that damn word!) but ya I feel like Im gonna hurl... weird.
I better run!!!!!

Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka

haha omg. I saw the trailor for the new movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Johnny Depp coming in July. I can't friggen wait. I love the old movie but parts of it are pretty corny and stupid. But there isnt anything corny and stupid about Johnny. Im sure the movie will be excellent! "Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most"
He looks kinda freaky in it but too too cute! But ya anywho Im about to go to work son. LOL. soon. I dont have a son :p But ya last shift until after xmas. Its coming so fast omg. 11 yrs ago today my grandma died (I said 12 before, its actually 11). I miss her, she was cool. My baby bunny Boo is 4 today! Im lucky I have a short shift today, 4 hrs, Im tired. I doubt anyone is gonna come in anyway. Be very boring and slow. Im gonna bring a book!
Tomorrow is the depressing xmas eve hehe. Im just sad, I dont think itll be the same as past yrs =( oh well.
Saw Kellie when I went to the mall with my sister yesterday to do my last min shopping. She's such a cutie pop. I always feel like such a nerd and a loser around pretty people. I hate being a loser lol. I feel like a major geek around my sister and her friends. Sucks to be me hehe.
Aww Frodo is sneezing. Widdle wabbit.
Anywho Im off. If I dont write in here in the next 2 days merry xmas and all that jazz!

you were always on my mind

Im sad today. I dunno why. We met our new doctor. She seems nice. I hope to be able to have a private visit with her sometime soon.
So my grandmother didnt come down afterall. Shes here, but she's still at my uncles. She didnt come to our place. Aparently instead of her coming here to see us we're going to my uncle's in mississauga on xmas day to visit them. Which kinda sucks... long drive cramped in the back seat. Well it's a van, not too cramped but still.
Was supposed to have tomorrow off but I think I am working it. Im scheduled so... gotta finish my friggen shopping, dunno when thats gonna bloody happen.
3 more days. *sad sigh* I wish I had someone to celebrate the holiday and new yr with. Im so fucking sick of being alone. Its so fucking pathetic. 5 and a half bloody yrs and no one even looks twice at me. Am I so hideous? Am I so mean? So bad? I just dont get it. People around me seem to think Im annoying. I have no friends so... its something I dont see. People naturally dont like me. I know Im a nerd and Im not that bright... but I dunno, Im not all bad. argh whats the point in pondering this? I do it again and again and I never reach a conclusion. I just cry like I am crying now. I have fucking being alone I hate it! I havent been in a relationship in so long I literally can't remember how it feels to love someone. I know "good" but thats not what I mean. The hugs and kisses and all that... how it makes me feel I cant remember.
Why am I so unlovable? I dont get it...

Innosence and killers are all packed into one

Well, 2 more days til Boo (my bunny's) 4th birthday, and to the 12th yr anniversary of my grandmother's death. 3 more days til Xmas eve and 4 more days til Xmas.
Am I happy? Kind of. Tonight my sister is having a christmas concert. My grandmother is also flying in today from BC. Me? Im working. All night, closing. Hopefully by the time I close the store the concert will be over so I can get a ride home. We were gonna go out to dinner but I don't think we are now. So basically I won't even get to see my grandmother today... which kind of sucks but whatev. Nothing I can do about it. There is no way I can call in sick.
Tomorrow I have to walk to the mall to finish shopping because my mum's car doesn't work right now and I have to finish shopping before Friday. Stores are gonna be mental.
I think Xmas eve is off. The kids (meaning my sister and brother hehe) and I usually go downstairs after dinner and watch movies and play games and pig out on munchies. But my mum says this yr we are gonna play a game as a family (which is fine) and my sister's bf will be here til like 10 or something. I guess that's okay. Im not gonna lie and I say Im totally happy thrilled out of my mind cuz I aint. I am disapointed. Xmas eve happens once a yr and all yr I look forward to it. 10pm? So we'll have about 3 hrs together before I get tired and conk out. Oh well. As I keep saying, nothing I can do about it.
Been working on my script for "Katie" more lately. I think Im gonna make it a short afterall. I was gonna send it to people to try and see if they can make it into a movie, but instead I think Ill wait. If I can get a video camera Im gonna try and make my own short film and then send that to like film festivals and stuff. I dont know if it will be good enough but Ill try. I think the script is pretty good and the idea is real good. Apparently a short film has to be under 30 mins. Im pretty sure this one will be. Might be cutting it close but I could always cut out a couple things.
I would just need to find a cast hehe. I don't know many people, but my sister does so maybe that will help. The movie is from a dream of mine and in the dream the character "Katie" was actually my sister. So she could play Katie. (Katie, Kylee... lol. Similar eh? The brain is a tricky thing!) katie is about 16 and so is my sister so... if she's willing! And in the dream I was Aimee (Aimee, Aschley lol) but I can't play Aimee cuz Aimee needs to be between 14 and 16. And blonde. Katie actually needs dark hair but my sister could wear a wig.
I need a 13 yr old to play the brother Chris, and my brother could probably do it. He's 13 hehe. And it's a very very small part so it would work. But I need to cast a mom and dad (not my parents tho hehe) and a blonde 15 yr old and I think that's it. Im sure my sister has a blonde friend lol. Then Id need a house to film in. I guess my own would do. Actually it probably would because I need a bathroom with an adjoining door to the parents room... and we have that. Thing is I need 4 bedrooms upstairs and we only have 3. Hmm...
Anywho wow Im babbling about this Wayyyyyyy too much. Im out!

She's gone...

Well after like a month of not being able to get ahold of Tracey I walked over and was in shock to see a for sale sign. As I got closer I saw it was sold. I went up to the house and it was totally cleaned out. It was kind of shocking to see. I am so so sad right now. I don't know if I'll ever see Alicia again and I didn't even get to say goodbye.
I can understand the family is having a very hard time right now, but Ive known Alicia and babysat for her a yr and a half. I just wanted to say goodbye. I got to say goodbye to Allanah and it helped... I got to spend a whole day with her before she left. I didn't get anything with Alicia. I don't even have a way of getting ahold of them... I have nothing. I miss her. I missed her 2nd birthday and I wont get to see her for Xmas. I know, it sounds weird. Im not her mum or sister or anything, but I did love her. *sad sigh* Oh well... what can I do? I guess just hope one day Tracey will call me.

It's quiet now, and what it brings, is everything...

Im bored. So Im bloggin. hehe. 9 days til Xmas! I can't believe it. It's coming so fast! I have to finish decorating and stuffs. And shopping! I have to get 3 more things I think then Im donesky. Nothing for Alicia this yr cuz I can't seem to get a hold of her mum. Ive been trying for like 3 weeks, calling now and then and she never answers the phone. I should just go over there but I don't wanna just drop in on her. I miss Alicia tho! Hmm... Im gonna try again to call brb... nope, still nothing.
OMG yesterday at work I was there alone because I only had three sittings. Well one sitting was late so when I came out, the other sitting had to wait like 20 mins. So I was about to take them in finally and a guy comes in wanting to pick up pictures. I said today is not a pick up day so he would have to wait until I was done with the current sitting. So he gives me all this attitude about how his wife called ahead and we said she could come. Im like ya, I can get them to you, but u have to wait your turn. And so later when I came out with the sitting he was still there with another guy who was picking up and they were discussing how terrible it was they had to wait. And then so I go to deliver him his pics and he wants to know why Im here alone and Im like "cuz its not a real busy time" and hes like ya it is! and Im like no because we dont usually do deliveries today and he's like "you didnt tell us what day to come in!" and Im like "well, when the pics get taken we do tell u the day and time and we always have two people working then" and he starts throwing a fucking fit and yelling and the customer who just had their sitting done starts yelling and all this shit lol. Im just standing there going fuck... so I give him his pics. He gave me ONE sitting # and I deliver those pics. Im like "oh u only have one sheet?" and he's like "Ya I dunno what I have, my wife did it" and so we get sent 3 extra sheets to offer if they want em and he's like "I dont want anything extra, I just want what we paid for" so fine whatever. Then his wife calls my boss today saying I didnt give him all his pictures. Apparently she had two sittings... I didn't fucking know that! And she told Heidi I was arguing with him telling him those were all his pictures when they clearly werent. WTF... he said he didnt know... so I think Heidi was a little ticked at me... but how the HELL would I know that they had more pictures? He didnt even know so how could I? Merry fucking Christmas jesus...
I had another lady pissed off too but not with me. Just with the service or something lol. But whatev.
So ya I can't wait til a week from tomorrow. Xmas eve! What we do is have Xmas dinner that night, usually around 3 or 4. Then we are gonna play this new awesome game we got as a family. THEN me and the kids come down here and do our Xmas eve thang. We say up late and pig out and watch movies and play video games until we are so tired we can't fuction. Then we sleep and when we are sleeping (or most of the time pretending too!!) before mum and dad go to bed they bring our stockings down and leave em for us. When we wake up the three of us take turns opening one thing from our stocking one at a time. Then we hang out with our stocking stuffs or playing games til our parents call down to us that they are outta bed and we can go up. Then its xmas opening presents time! hehe. I love that part... I love seeing peoples faces when they open my gifts. I get so excited lol. I always put so much thought into my gifts :p
Kellie says I have to get her an Xmas gift lol. I told her we'll see. I wouldnt even know what to get her. Im waiting for Toddy to come online. Im interested to see if she got her package yet. Hopefully! I dunno what time she usually gets to work tho.
Anywho school tonight. I find out my exam mark and my final mark. eeeeeeeee! I cant wait! I hope he remembered to give me and Sara extra marks for helping out people in class like he promised hehe. Bonus marks rock!
Anywho Im out. Gotta clean and decorate and Im gonna go by Tracey's later too. BYEEE!

As thing come apart...

AHHH! In like 10 mins I am leaving to do my final exam. So scary omg. But I know I'll do okay. And if by some weird chance I do so bad and get like a 70, my mark right now is 91 so Im not too worried hehe.
Went Xmas shopping last night and went to see Finding Neverland. Pretty good. And Johnny Depp was just pretty hehe.
Did a little more shopping today. Well I basically went with mum as she shopped on both trips because I didn't end up getting anything! I still need to get one more thing for my mum, one more for my dad and a little something for my sis and her bf. My sister is pretty much done tho. And my brother was done back in Nov. I was done his in one tiny trip lol.
Saw Kellie today. Miss her. I think she's gonna come on MSN tonight to talk to me. Which is cool, it's been awhile. Haven't seen Jenna in like 3 or 4 days. I dunno where she's been lately. And Ive been in and out with shopping and work so... hard yep yep. When this stupid Xmas season is over things will slow down for me. Although in all honesty I like em fast. Work, school, shopping, cleaning, decorating. Only 12 days left! 12 days of Xmas... so sweet! And my grandmother is coming down soon! Yay!
Okies Im off... TO DO AN EXAM! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

It's a shpadoinkle day

Haven't blogged in like a week. I just don't have anything to say really. I know my Toddy pic doesn't work anymore. I have to upload it onto a new server sometime when I have the time and patience to do all that. Maybe when Im done posting, maybe tomorrow.
My grandma is coming for a visit for Xmas. That's cool I miss her. I work tomorrow (closing alone... ewies) and Sat night but Im off Sun which is nice. Im hoping to see Jenna next week, but not holding my breath. Haven't seen her in a month and it sucks big time, but there always seems to be something that goes wrong on her end that prevents her from coming. I keep telling her its okay don't worry about it, but on the inside Im real sad. Cuz this is what always happens to me. My friends stop coming, stop seeing me, stop talking to me. I try and try to keep the friendship afloat but they always have an excuse and then boom one day the friendship is just gone. So Im trying to convince myself that Jenna isnt gonna be like that, that what she says is true and she honestly can't pick me up the last 4 or 5 times shes cancelled... but its so hard to have faith. *sighs*
Well on kind of a bright note Im getting a 91 in my class. We have our final exam in like 4 days. Im not prepared but in all honesty I dont care. If I fail the damn thing Im still walking out of there with a high 70 or low 80. So whatev.
K anywho Southpark is on so Im off.

Everything, everywhere, everyone you know

So my comp is giving me hell and so I download a thing to eliminate spyware but I still have spyware so dad says download firefox to use instead of int ex. Thing is now my blog looks like shit to me and stuff is missing and my scrollbar is the default colour and the text is too tiny lol. But I dont wanna redisgn (fuck I spelled that wrong but cant figure out why) so Ill just leave it and who cares, screw it. I dont have to read my own blog.
FARKKKKKKKKKKK my eyes are driving me insane. They are like infected or something. They are constantly fogging fucking over and I cant see shit. Wearing my contacts is torture and now as I type I CAN SEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Oy Im off.