Getting to know u alphabet game

A - age? -23 in 5 days
B - born on what day of the week? -Thursday I think? (checks) nope, Sunday.
c - chore you hate? -Dishes
D - dad's name? -David
E - essential grooming item? -my hairbrush
F - favorite actor? -Johnny Depp
G - gold or silver? -SILVER!!!!!
H - hobby? -Photography
I - instruments you play? -Kind of the keyboard but not really
J - job? -Photographer
K - kids? -Just my 4 pets
L - living arrangements? -Parent's basement
M - mom's name? -Karinn
N - number of pets you currently have? -4
O - overnight hospital stays? -Ummm... at least 4.
P - phobias? -tons and tons. Spiders and bees are my two biggest.
Q - quote you like best? -"Hysteria is in this girl"
R - recreation you take part in? -I used to play softball and I like bowling
S - siblings? -2
T - time you rise in the morning? -anywhere between 10 and 11:30
U - unique habit? -When I walk past a shirt with a zipper in a store, I have to unzip it. I dont know why...
V - vegetable you refuse to eat? -mushrooms... peppers... onions... cabbage... and lots more!
W - worst habit? -biting my nails, swearing, eatting
x - x-rays you have had? -lots.
Y - yummy food you make? -mashed potatoes
Z - zodiac sign? -aquarius

He only loves those things because he loves to see them break

Weird. I woke up and my eye was swollen. It still is and I have no idea why. And my other eye is spazzing out. Like twitching and shit and I can't see clearly out of it even with my contacts on. Hmm...
Everyone seems so busy today. I have to work for 6 hrs. Argh. I leave soon to start. Im gonna be the only one not busy. Michelle told me I have a sitting at 5 and a sitting at 7. Actually those are pretty well spaced apart. I can clean and organize for the first hour, then maybe have some of my dinner around 4:30. Do the 5 o'clock sitting which should be fast. One adult and her teenaged daughters. Then at like 6 take my half hr break, go buy smokes. At 7 do my other sitting... 3 month old so it may be a little more challenging. Take a little longer. Probably be done around 7:45. Then I only have an hr to kill before close. So ya... wow. I can't believe I just wrote out my whole plan for the day, Im such a loser.
Anywhos, okay well I don't have anything else to say. Im still down and out. I talked to a girl yesterday with bi polar. Maybe that's what I have? I go in for a physical on Feb 14, maybe Ill talk to the doc then a little bit if I can. Hmm... my first physical. I am scared out of my mind lol.
okay I have to go. *sigh* One week til Im 23... whoopie shit.

Just got back from our meeting and dinner. It was fun actually. Heidi paid so yay, free food. We went to the Mongolion Grill so like, you make your meal in a bowl and give it to these guys and they fry it up for u. It's pretty cool.
So there were 5 of us there and we all ended up talking about strip clubs and sex and stuff. I pretty much kept my mouth shut (being so innocent and all) and laughed at their stories. The waiter was cute and flirty with all of us and so sad when we left because he said he kept eavesdropping and we were very entertaining. We got there at 5:30 and left at 8:10! But I had fun. At one point the waiter asked if we were celebrating anything like a birthday, and the girls said "Well, Jen's was on the 12th and Aschley's is on the 31st" so he brought us a birthday brownie and sang to us hehe. I just ate the whip cream off it... sooooooo good.
But ya, we didn't get much of a meeting. My sitting ended at about 4:55 and everyone didn't show up til about 5, so I didn't even miss anything. The meeting went like 15 or 20 mins then we were kicked out cuz the mall closed at 5 hehe.
But ya... It was sad tho at the dinner cuz everyone else there were married or had a bf. I was like single and pathetic. Kind of depressed me. But what else is new lately lol. Oh well. omg... Im gonna be bloody 23. This is crazy... I havent done anything with my life. Oy... So sad, so sad...

What's left to believe in?

Talked to Toddy yesterday... if you read my last post you'd know that. Anywho, I was talking about how I get thru life. Basically with the philosophy that everything is meant to be. That our lives are a story already written and when bad shit happens, well, it was meant to happen and I had no control over it ya know? And she said she thinks that me thinking that way makes me sound "already defeated". Which is actually really sad. Am I defeated? Have I given up? I didn't think so. I mean, Im still alive. Im sort of in a small way kind of happy...ish. I haven't blown my brains out yet. Im not in a mental hospital licking walls. So, therefore I would think I am not yet defeated. But maybe I am. maybe Im just... floating. Maybe Ive gotten to the point where Im just coasting thru life, totally numb to what other people think and feel. And what I think and feel. Im like on a train that can't stop, just flying thru life. Not caring what happens, not trying to steer the train and control my destiny. Just sitting and waiting for life and what it's going to bring for me to fall into my lap. Maybe because of all those yrs I spent strugging in mucky waters trying to keep my head above water and breathe. All those yrs that ended in me drowning, giving up, stopped kicking, stopped trying. I became submissive. I just don't care. Maybe I created this new way of thinking, that everything is meant to be, as sort of a defensive meconism. It's hard for someone like me tho. I spent so many yrs trying to control my life and the lifes of those around me. It just came one day where I realized I can't do that anymore. People started to leave and never come back. I became alone, and sad. I guess you could say, I woke up one day defeated. Im about to be 23 in 9 days and in the back of my mind, my life, or at least me controlling my life, is done. Im too tired, too... I dont know, out of it to keep kicking in that mucky water. I just wanna float. Float thru life and whatever it throws at me. I don't even know if I want to go into the film industry anymore, like I originally wanted to. I don't know what I want to do. In my mind I think whatever I was meant to do will come to me without me trying for it. Because it IS meant to be. Maybe that is me being lazy. Maybe that is me being defeated.
I used to be able to get people to like me. Id offer them my humour, my flirtyness, my intellegence, I offer them fun and food and we'd be friends for yrs and now... that doesn't happen. No one wants to be my friend. Everyone is too busy for me. I can't even say how many times Ive heard "Im sorry, I know Ive been busy, but we'll get together soon" and it doesnt happen. Recently Ive heard that from Kellie and Jenna. They are pretty much the only friends I have right now... but in a way they aren't even really that. At least, not to the extent I want them to be. Sure, they are nice to me. But actually, a lot of people are "nice" to me. Toddy is so nice to me... but I am far from being an important person in her life. Jody and Peter and Sara and people at work are "nice" to me, when I talk to them first. I almost never have someone come to me. And I NEVER have anyone come to me and say "I miss you, let's go to dinner" or "Wanna go to a movie tonight?" I always have to be the one to ask first... and I hate it.
Jody once said to me, when people disapoint you, tell em to fuck off and cut them out of your life, because they are going to continue to disapoint you. I use to be able to do that, but now Im so... desperate I guess... I can't do that. If I am shown even a little attention, I take it to the max. Which may be why people don't like me. I dont know...
So, after talking with Toddy I kind of came to the conclusion that maybe our lives are not written. maybe there is no such thing as destiny. But if thats true, what the hell else do I have left to believe in?

Evil Nibblet Fuck

I gots myself a new fishie. Her name is Cherry and she's a boy. But who cares. I have two male rabbits, I need another girl in the family so my dog isn't alone hehe. She's red and fiesty. (the fish, not the dog) Cute as a button... as cute as a fish can be.
So Ive been working alot, surprisingly. My boss fired the other girl who I split hours with, so I got her shifts this week. Plus I was called in about 3 times. I think I worked everyday this week. Today was to be my day off but I was asked to come in for 3 hrs tonight so I am. And I work tomorrow night and I go in for a couple hrs on Sunday because a client asked me to do her pics and we have that meeting. So it looks like Im working 7 days in a row lol. Well 8 cuz I go in Monday as well. I might have had last Tues off, I can't remember. *thinking* I think I did. Hmm, okay well 6 days in a row is still a lot. I guess... okay let's talk about something else.
Im yakkin at Toddy. Keri is away as always lol. Shit I mean Jenna. I have NO idea why I always call Jenna Keri. I dont know if I ever really blogged about Keri. Probably. She was my friend for like 6 months. Online friend. She lives in Scotland. I never met her irl. She became a real bitch suddenly overnight so we stopped talking. I do miss her sometimes cuz we had a lot of fun. Anywho about 10 months after Keri and I stopped speaking, I met Jenna online. But Jenna lives close to me. Like 45 mins away. Not way away in another country lol. And Ive actually met Jenna irl 3 times. Jenna and I are kinda close. We talk a lot and I consider her a good friend. Her and Keri are nothing alike. Yet, like almost right after we started talking there were SO many times I almost typed Keri instead of Jenna. Which sucks. And when I talk about her to mum or whoever sometimes I say Keri instead of Jenna. WTF is up wif dat?
So ya anywhos I gots 4 and a half hrs before I start work. I should have a shower. Hmm. Maybe. Depends on how bad my hair looks. I havent been infront of a mirror yet today. I should clean my basement. Its not comepletely messy, but it needs straightening up desperatley.
hmm, its been 20 mins since I started writing this entry. Its hard blogging and yakkin on msn at the same time. Ill be in a thought, leave to say something on msn and come back and Ive lost what I was gonna say lol. Im not all that good at doing 2 things at once.
Im off. Gonna finish yakkin at Toddy and then clean. Shes at work so she probably cant talk much longer anyways.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand Im gone!

YAY FOR MARISKA!

Mariska won the Golden Globe! Im so proud of her. My hero, my idol, the person I wanna be like most in the world. Congrats Mariska Hargitay, you totally deserved it!!
She gave the most heartfelt amazing speech as well which had her father in tears and her new hubby on his way.
Im so so happy for her! And a little excited as you can tell hehe. Whenever she is nominated I root my butt off for her and she never gets it. I was surprised and thrilled to hear her name called tonight.
I just wish I knew another fan of hers I could celebrate with!!!!!!!!

Kiss them for me...

Wow. Its been awhile huh? I have had literally nothing to say! Work has been so damn boring. I get no sittings. When I work a shift I basically sit on my ass and read, or I walk thru the store finding the 6 or 7 people shopping and force coupons upon them.
We are having a meeting next weekend. Should be interesting. Like at Timmy's Im gonna keep my mouth completely shut. Why start trouble right?
Oh! My sister and I discovered a new use for my new toy. (My video camera hehe) We can make music videos! We made three, but I think this one is the best one. Have a look below!

Oh and also, I got my own domain for Toddy's page! FINALLY!!!!!! Come lookie if you wanna =) She says she's gonna link me on her other pages. Yay :p
www.toddyrox.com
OKie Im out. Can't sleep so Im like a zombie right now. Nighters!