you know she'll be back to add to your misery

I was writing in here almost everyday then I like stopped. Mostly cuz I dont have anything to say. School is going well, work is okay. I apparently quit Sportchek without my knowledge. It's interesting anyway *rolls eyes*
So ya but Sears is good. There is a 10x13 picture of my ugly ol mug along with Heidi and the contest winner sitting on the table at work lol.
Geez I literally have nothing to say lol. Bye!

down down, down she goes

Yay! I had a goooooood day at work today. I was in 2-8 and it was buuuuuusy. Busy busy, I had a half hr break at 6:30 and that was the only rest I got. I was in the camera room every second before and after cuz it was so busy. AND every sitting went well. Like mega well. Quick and painless. Just like it should be lol.
Like my new layout? I bloody love it. Look at Toddy's eyes? She's amazing. I kinda hope she doesn't read my blog tho, she may get a little startled coming in here. haha. Can u imagine? Coming on someones blog and boom, there's ur eyes staring u in the face? Would freak me out lol.
Well anywhos not much more to say. Ill probably blog laters. I was thinking of blogging my angel cards on here. It's an idea Im still considering :p
*there goes the thnikkaman*

and there are many paths to dread

Class was great tonight. Started webpage design. My teacher kept making mistakes and Id point em out and he didnt even get mad! Each time he was like "oops, thank you" if I was the teacher I woulda been like "okay know it all shut up!" A couple times he asked ME questions about html and even called me "the expert" once. BIG ego boost, huge. Then the last 15 mins of class he sits next to me and yaks about it. One of our assignments is to make a 3 page website (duh piece of bloody cake for me) and I was asking if I could use stuff he hasn't taught us which he thank GOD said yes to! Im gonna make it at home I think cuz I have more html resources at my fingertips here hehe. He also said he knows he's going slow for me but how a lot of people in the class wouldn't neseccarily get it if he went faster. And at one point he said I could probably teach the class lol. We had a convo about html codes and I told him how I use div codes now and I showed him this page as an example. Its funny I tried not to linger on the page too long cuz look at my last post! LOL. Death and crying... he'd think Im nuts!
But anyway it was cool. Today I had the day off so I totally chilled and did nothing but sit on the couch and read. I have a long day tomorrow but I dont go in til 2 so Im not worried about what time I go to bed. I have to be up at 10 tho cuz some guy is coming to assest (assess? ascess?) our house. So spent all night cleaning. Blah gunky.
but ya that's me life. Nothing special. I had a terrible work day yesterday. 4 sittings and 2 of em went horrid. The third wasn't much better. Shawna jumped in when my sale was over to basically tell the woman I screwed her out of $10 and a better deal if she went another way, which I totally had already told her about and she said she wasn't interested. So made me look like a moron. I just stood there feeling stupid. And one sitting had 8 people, one was a child, miserable little brat who did NOT stop crying and bitching from the minute they walked in. he was 3. ya I love kids but this kid would not stop. Wouldnt smile, kept chewing a huge wad of gum like a cow, and then the adults were pissy at me... what the hell? And then there were shots of couples together and "oh the bg shouldnt have been black" or "I dont like the way we're sitting" but they had suggestions to tell me what they DID want. and their sale ended up being so complicated the one platnum blonde bimbo kept sighing at me as Jen taught me how to ring it in and in the end grabbed the bill from me and ran out of the studio.
My first sitting was bad too. Two cute kids, 2 and 4. But they didn't wanna sit still. When one sat, the other stood, when one smiled, the other looked away. When one looked in the right spot, the other was frowning. I could tell their mum was pissed at me and trashed the shots I took saying none were good and said in the end "this is the last time we do this!"
So I am less then enthusiastic about tomorrow. 6 hrs and Ill probably have to do at LEAST 8 sittings. But Ill put on my happy face and do the best I can... its all i can do right? RIGHT?!?!?!?

dead dead dead, someday you'll be dead

Orghs Im sad. And sick. Sick and sad... and tired. And really bleh. I hate being sad. Im just sitting here crying and I dont really know why. Well Im crying cuz Im alone. Im still alone. After trying my new thing where I am nice to everyone, I still don't really get it back. On msn no one wants to talk to me. No one wants to pay me any attention. Except for Jenna and Toddy, but even still. They are married, they have their lives... I am like you know "a friend".
Jenna said I should stop being so hard on myself. My sister says that too. And my mum. Why the hell am I hard on myself? Cuz Im no good... hmm good analysis.
Cry cry cry cry cry... I just wanna cry and I wanna take pictures of people crying and people who see them will be like wow, that girl must be sad, look at how she expresses it in her photography.
I try and express it in writing. How the pain rips thru me everyday, how Im never happy, Im always crying inside, in my heart. Im not good at writing tho. Not like some people.
I need a fallguy. I need someone who will be there for me no matter what. Not someone whos gonna make me feel like a piece of shit for hating myself... someone who will listen and understand.

There must be an angel paying with my heart

Okay so my mum and are were in the car and a yappin away and we kinda started talking about this guy we work with. She always said he was a cutie sweety pie and I was like whatev cuz I never paid attention or anything, I thought he was like 18 and shit. She told me today he's my age and single and Im like oh ya cool. And we're like talking about him and stuff and I kinda got interested. Like I havent talked to him an awful lot but I was thinking about him and Im thinking ya he is kinda cute and nice... interesting. And I mean, I like totally flirt with every guy I meet (haha umm ya) but I never have with him. So now Im gonna try being cutesy without coming on too strong and see if he's interested. Ill be able to tell right away Im sure. Im good at that haha.
So blah worked today even tho I felt sick all day, Im in 6 hrs tomorrow then off Thurs (yay, mini wave in celebration of me!) I dunno what Im gonna do with my day off. Probably nadda. Sleep, eat, watch tv then go to school at 5. Thats what I farkin hate is I always seen to get my days off on Mon or Thurs when I have school ANYWAY. I work Sunday til like 4:45 but Im gonna see if I can get Mon off and Jenna can take me for the night. haha take me? :p Like Im 5 and need an overnight babysitter. But ya we'll see. Again, no hopes up. Today fell thru and because I didnt have my hopes up I wasnt too upset. hehe. ya it works...
Fuck I need friends who live near me man. Sucks being alone all the time. But I am taking Toddy's advice and hopefully gonna be seeing someone who will help me emotionally.
Wow... my brother just called me a hog cuz I wont give him whats left in my glass of lemonaide. What the hell? I can't have a glass of lemonaide to myself? lol. What an ass. I hate when people do stuff like that to me. Call me greedy or whatev when I dont get anything. Like when people say Im too needy when I never get any attention. Uh ya maybe thats why Im needy lol. Give me attention and the needyness goes away.
Hmm, smells like something's burning.
Oh well who cares. Better go rescue my lemonaide before he spits in it or something.

What would you say to me to make me stay?

Orgh, I work today from 9:30-3:45. Not bad but I was scheduled only to 1:30 hehe. Then I walked home and got there just after 4 and Sara picked me up for school at 10 to 5. School was boring. I was done everything I had to do just before break. My teacher said he'd give me bonus marks for helping the class hehe. Cool beans.
Work was good today. I had a list of things I needed to do and I didn't even dent the list. Hope my boss isnt too pissed hehe. Oh well I couldn't help it. People came in and wanted their picture taken. Just cuz we're a photo studio SHEESH.
But yas so hmm, boring day in a way I spose. Same ol same ol. Work tomorrow. MAYBE being Jenna tomorrow night. But not getting my hopes up hehe. I haven't even heard from her since yesterday and she didn't come on last night. Bleh. Pissy not talking to her.And now she's not even moving to Cambridge so, so much for me havin a friend eh? Tres depressing.
Ive been watching The Swan. Man I wish I could be on that show. Id get a nose job, chin implant, dental surgery, lipo on my neck and arms and legs and tummy... it would be amazing. Id look like a Princess hehe.
Anywhos not much to say. Same boring me, same boring live, same boring shit.

and I write on the walls as we walk down the halls together

What a disapointing day! 1121 is a bust this yr. Well, I returned chairs that I bought a yr ago that broke and got a nice glider... thats about it and I coulda done that any day. I havent even talked to Jenna today (or yesterday for that matter). Mum and I went on a bit of a drive, big whoop. We do that all the time. I bought 4 lottery tickets and won shit. I didnt even win my money back or a free ticket. Like, nothing friggen happened. Maybe cuz I was expecting it to? I dunno... well I was expecting it before too. Ive had two surgeries and both of em I thought I was gonna die but obviously didnt. I actually thought today I might have died. I was a little prepared for it, but nothing happened anyway.
Im so sad, what a crapass day. Well its only 7. Maybe something big will happen in the next 5 hrs? I doubt it... hmm never know.
We're getting a new doctor later in Dec. I hope she's good. Im gonna make an appointment and tell her I need to see a shrink. I think I do, just to get my shit together and in perspective ya know?
Anywhos Im gonna give Jen a quick call and then I dunno... fart around for a bit. Mum and I are gonna watch a movie later. Ta and if I die before midnight thanks for reading!

I must be strong, and carry on

So ya Jenna isnt coming tomorrow. Not her fault but fucking christ Im so TIRED of things I get excited about always falling fucking thru. I know I said Id stop being negative and shit but holy hell its hard to take blow after blow constantly.
And Im mad and it shows, and Im talking to Jenna and I know Im gonna piss her off if I havent already cuz Im mad and Im saying things I dont mean.
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I hate this. I hate being like this. I have to stop getting my hopes up even about stupid little things. I did that for awhile and then I started getting all hyper happy about stuff and again its like no Ash, ur not gonna get what u want. I know its all a huge like fight in my head that I sort of draw other people into... okay *big breath*
Anywho okay new topic new topic...
umm, so last night Adam and I got back on good terms. We weren't really OFF, but it was kinda wavy. Then Ky and I went to his concert, and Dennis, the guy who drove us ran a red. OMG it was funny. The light is red and he starts to turn right and Adam is like "No left!" as he is in the middle of turning, so he veers left and he's like dead in the middle of the intersection with a car coming each way so he just goes, God it was funny. Then on the way home Adam drove me and Ky and Ky had to sit between us without a seatbelt and we're like "we hope we dont run into a cop!" and we get to an intersection and a police car, ambulance and firetruck all show up RIGHT infront of us... some accident off to the side. We're like fuck! We're fucked! But they didnt see us. I was funny as hell tho.
Then today I went to work and the girl who's pic I took who won the contest was in. She was to get her pic done with the manager cuz she won at our location. At the last min Heidi is like "I want u in it too!" since I took the winning photo. I looked like shit! No makeup, messy hair, bags under my eyes cuz I didnt get home til 1am last night and I was up at 8! haha. oh man. And this is gonna be displayed in the store! We got one okay pic. I look a little freaky but whatev.
Fuck its cold down here, I cant stop shivering. Im gonna go change. Latah!

Random Ramblings I did in Comp class tonight

In class stuff kept coming to me, so I wrote em out randomly on paper... and now I write them here. Enjoy... or think Im nuts!

I sit in the middle of this crowded noisey room. Too many conversations at once. You couldn't pick one out of all this mumble. Yet I dont hear it. All I can hear is the screaming in my head. Does no one else hear me? Doesnt the pain show on my face? How can I feel so smothered, so crowded, and still so alone? I am stripped, see through, why cant anyone see me? How can it be so easy to step over someone who is reaching out with desperate arms?

When I look outside I see rain even on a sunny day

Stop repeating yourself, Im simply not listening. I dont want to hear you, your words are floating away

Im choking in a room full of people and only I know how to save me... how inspiring, how pathetic

I want to feel the pain, but Im too weak to inflict it

Kill me slowly, kill me sweetly

Draw tears on my face with permanent marker

I cry until my head feels it will explode. Until my eyes are swollen, until my heart aches, until I am screaming, but I am the only one who sees it. I can only see me.

I thought you wouldn't hurt me, youd think Id have learned by now

How the hell do you keep fooling me into trusting you?

even in the hottest sun you are still so cold

you inspire me to slash my throat

when the funeral is over all that's left are flowers

your taste is rancid in my mouth, I spit you out

You have my soul and you hold is close. You stole it from me when I was young, and innocent and you won't give it back

stop stepping on me, your shoes are so heavy

even when you killed me, you were innocent and I was guilty

it looks like we're up chocolate creek without a popsicle stick!

Things are good. I'm happy for the first time in forever. It's funny how in the middle of a huge family battle, I am content in my life. Probably because I took myself out of the battle. I'm too weak emotionally and I felt crushed by both sides... so I stepped back and said nope.
But things are good for me. Except Im broke haha. But I get paid tomorrow. But like I have a real good friend for the first time in 6 years. Jenna is so great to me and we laugh all the time and it's just awesome that we found eachother! I have two jobs that I love, and eventho I work like everyday, they are mostly baby shifts. 3-6 hrs each and to me that's more then okay. I've gotten almost all of my Xmas shopping done... I dunno. Im just happy. At this current moment I am getting along great with each member of my family which is a big bonus. Well except my sister's bf, but then again we were never actually close. By the time we even kinda started talking it lasted like 2 weeks and we got in a huge fight so... hehe
It's weird tho, I had a dream last night and Toddy was in it and then she came online today which is amazing cuz I never see her anymore! But she's not replying so aww haha. I have to leave soon so I hope she comes to her comp before then.
Hmm, I just noticed my blog's time hasn't been reset. It says 1:40 when its only 12:40. Better fix that haha.
Well don't have much to say. I work at 3:30 today til 8:30. Fucking easy peasy shift. Doing deliveries. Easy and fun so yay haha. Then tomorrow I work at Sportchek from 8:30-2 and Thurs I have a 3 hr shift at Sears, like 9:30-12:30 or some shit then school in the eve. Hmm Fri I am hopefully seeing Jen. I was supposed to have the day off but my boss asked me to work 3:30-8:30 again so hehe. But its all good. More money more better! Hmm... more better hehe
Then this weekend I work except for Nov 21 (sunday) no fucking way I work then. Im kinda anxious to see what the big thing will be this year! In 2001 is was a surgery, in 2002 I had my gullbladder removed (so ya another surgery) then last yr my bedroom got infested with these little red fucking bugs cuz I left the window open one night. Ew ew ew. That was horrid. So this yr it could be anything. But you bet ur ass Im gonna be buying lottery tickets on Sunday. I think Jen's coming to see me, maybe Ill convince her to take me to a casino. Even to just play $20 in the slots... who knows eh?
Okies so Im off. *yawwwwwwwwn* Man I hate over sleeping, it tires me.

STUFFIES

Im at Jenna's, woke up and she's like I dont think so! and went back to bed... so Im blogging! Jenna has 4 cats... 4 sweet kitties, but 4 kitties that stuff up my nose so I cant breathe and makes my eyes sore and itchy =( hehe I keep sniffing like Im on coke or something lol
Awwww Boogairs, the one kitty, is so precious. She just sits in here and watches me type so quiet. Yesterday she sat next to me when I was yakkin to my sister and was like waiting for me to pet her. And I did and shes getting all cuddly and snuggly and then she like jumped on my lap haha. It was like no kitty! Im allergic! Like she understands haha
Hmm I wonder if Jenna has kleenex... *looks around* Doesnt appear to be any... Oy I JUST bought kleenex yesterday but its at home... Figures ergh.
Awww now Boogairs walked right up to me and gave me a cute kitty look! hehe. Sweetsy.
Ew lol I have to keep wiping my nose on my shirt... sick :X
So ya yesterday was fun. Jenna took me to a gay bar last night for hahas. If was cool tho. Drag queens bloody everywhere. And they were so pretty lol. Big girls... it was fun. Two real cool ones were talking to us about where they tuck their dickies when they dress in drag, my God it was funny. And I had like 4 drinks of these bracadi breezers... so good. I got extremely light headed but didnt feel drunk or anything. But it was funny cuz we were talking to these two guys and Im like "ya I dont even have a buzz... just real light headed" and the one guys like "then you have a buzz hunny" Oy it was funny. Gay guys bloody rock.
We rented Kill Bill 2 for last night but havent watched it yet. I hope we get to today, I wanna sees it.
OKay Im out, Im stuffy. I wanna rip my face off... so off I go. Laters!

Hello? Can you hear me? Im being strung along.

So a picture I took at work won a contest. The little girl won for like cutest smile. I dont get anything, not even reconition but its still cool.
So I have tomorrow off. Jenna was gonna spend the day with me but she doesn't have gas *pout* But Im not going to school tomorrow for our "extra class" which is good cuz I have to get the doggie's nails cut tomorrow night. Getting toooooo long.
Im so tired. I hate going to bed early tho when I have the next day off. Its like a waste of sleep lol. Well no one of msn is really talking to me so... I am un entertained and therefore I am bored and therefore Im tired lol
wow I dunno why Im writing in here I have N-O-T-H-I-N-G to say. Soooooo bye!

I wanna be the girl with the most cake

I went to see The Grudge tonight... ya don't see it unless u love being scared. Cuz I hate being scared and this movie terrified me and ya it was bad haha. So just no :p
I rented Shrek 2 tho and thats not scary... hehe. I saw it in the theatre too, its so funny, I love it. "We up chocolate's creek without a popsicle stick!" fucken funny shit oh man...
Anywhos Im tired. I have to work tomorrow morning, but apparently work called and wants be to work 145-whenever instead of 945-1245... which is cool cuz I can sleep in but I DO have school tomorrow night and Jenna was maybe gonna come down altho I have Tues off so that may be a better day for her to come over. But ya so I have to call Sears when I wake up tomorrow and be like "when am I in?" haha
I work everyday this week again cept Tues and Sun... so far anyway. Im probably going to Jenna's for the weekend. Should be fun. She's got 4 cats tho so... allergic I will be! Sneeeeeeezy. Im like "make sure the bed in the spare bedroom doesnt have cat hair on it" lol
I am... doll eyes... doll mouth... doll legs... I am... doll arms... hmm its actually a weird song but good.
Oh! Im gonna start writing my first script. I got tons of ideas but I think Im gonna write "Katie" first. My mum suggested after I write it I shuold get it copyrighted by an entertainment lawyer and then send it to independant film makers. omg how cool would it be to have someone wanna make my movie?!
After I write "Katie" Im gonna write a book which I decided to title after a recent blog post: "Why do I always get what I don't want?" its gonna be about a crazy girl lol. Actually most of my ideas have to do with an unstable person. Interesting? Yes! :p
I wonder how long it will take me to write "Katie"? and I wonder how long it has to be? Like the length? Hmm... I should research that haha. Altho Im sure if its too short (or too long! ha!) anyone interested in it can work on it with me. Oh! I hope hope hope that happens!!!
So ya. Im off. I wanna see if I can get some writing in b4 I go to bed in an hr. Laters.

Don't be shocked by the tone of my voice

So I go to work today, no kids wanna smile. Got a few good pics out of like 20 on each sitting. Argh! Then I had to wait around the mall for an hr and 15 mins cuz Jenna couldn't meet me til 2. So at 2 I go to where Im spose to meet her and have a smoke outside. And wait... and wait... and call my brother to see if she called my house... and wait... and have another smoke... and wait... and call home again... and wait... at 3:05 I am like FUCK IT! *lol* I figured her car probably broke down or there was some sorta emergency and there is no point in me waiting! My parents were grocery shoppin so I walk home, cold and kinda ticked hehe. I get in the door and my brother is like "u walked home?? She just called, she is waiting for you!" and Im mad cuz for an hr I thought "if I leave, shes gonna show" and thats what happened! Well I wasnt about to walk back cuz the walk is like 15 mins and she'd probably be gone by then. So I figured she'll either call when I don't show up in 10 mins OR my parents will be home soon and they can drive me. They walked in the door 3 mins later so woo. My dad drives me and I meet up with Jenna. She was about to drive to my house! OMG how funny would it have been if she was at my place and I was at the mall! LOL!
So we ate at East Side Marios and had a cute waiter named Chris who was so funny and sweet and him and Jenna talked me into a second daquiri lmao. I was so light headed!
Then we got my dad and my mum gifts for Xmas and then went on a drive. It was like a 2 and a half hr drive, just talking. It was awesome. Jenna almost turned right into a field which made us laugh our asses off.
Then we came back to my place and she met Carly and Boo and Frodo. Then she went home! Im like "if u stay u can spend the night..." lol. But she had to pick up her sister and hubby. So aww. I might be going there this weekend coming up anyway if Heidi will give me Sunday off. That will be 3 Sundays in a row Ive asked for off tho! lol!
2 weeks tomorrow is 1121. I still kinda have butterflies about it... oooooh. Oh well. Something major will happen, Ill have to wait to see what.
"Fear is a new product to sell, it's a pamphlet that hangs on your door"
haha singing to a song. I have like 3 songs on my loop right now. Doll Parts by Hole, Leaving New York by REM and The Masochist by YMATM.
So anywho ya I had a good day. Oh and it's funny cuz when Jenna didn't show the old me would have cried and been mad and threw a mini tantrum... the new me went "oh well, if we are meant to spend the day together we will" and we did :p
Oh and the new me apologized to Jody and is now acting like a human to him instead of a creepoid hehe. aaaaaaaaaaaaaand Im out!
*there goes the thnikkaman*

Alarms And Bells

When I worked at Tim's there were two times my alarm clock didn't go off. If just hit the hr it was supposed to buzz and did nothing. Stay set and all but no brrrrrrrrrrr. So twice I was late. Ive had the clock for about 10 yrs, possibly more. So decided to get another as a back up. And I use my watch alarm as well for extra.
So yesterday I set everything and go to bed. Half an hr before we have to go my mum calls down "are you getting up?" Im like shit! My one clock had bypassed like it's known to do, my new clock had somehow set to music not alarm and the music wake up function needs to have the sound on and I had it off and I had slept thru the watch alarm which only beeps about 10 times. haha.
Then this morning I somehow forgot I haven't set either clock back from the time change and I got up at 7:30 instead of 8:30!
And now I can't stop sneezing which has nothing to do with this story but is really bugging me.
So anywhos I gotta leave in about an hr and a half. At 9:30. Work for 3 hrs... come home and probably fucking nap hehe.
*there goes the thnkkaman*

new and better!

So today I think was my first official day of my new way of thinking. I like held back the 3 crushes I have right now and have decided to just be nice and not expect anything.
Argh but then I ended up getting mad cuz my till was out $20! Nice eh? I like never balence which is so weird.
Oh but then good news, at school I am getting the highest mark, 89%. Man I just wanna be in the 90's and I am getting 89! hehe. But I think I did super good on the mid term which will hopefully bump me up!
hehe I was on my lunch break at work today and I was alone and feeling... lonely and I sit down and Peter (one of the guys I work with whos real nice) comes beside me with his tray and is like "Just so you dont feel like a loser, Ill sit with you" lol. He even kept me company while I had a smoke... in the cold! haha.
So all in all a busy boring exciting weirdass day!
Tomorrow I work 3 hrs then on Sat I work 3 hrs then Im spending the day with Jenna Xmas shopping (YAY) and Sunday mum and I are seeing The Grudge (scared!)
So Im out... *there goes the thnikkaman*

No ways

Well so much for Jody being important to me. Two days after he said such nice things to me he suddenly told me I wasn't a friend of his. He said he cared about me only cuz I was human and he cared the same for all humans, and then 5 mins later he said he hates everyone. Apparently I was irritating him. So I decided to stop talking to him cold turkey. I feel kinda betrayed, but whatev. I'll live. I was so sad right after, I felt like I was gonna throw up the day after. But Im slowly okay. In a small way I want to add him to my msn again, say sorry and continue to talk to him again, but I know I can't. Not the way I feel about him, it would end up getting worse again.
Okay new topic hehe. I dyed my hair reeeeal blonde. I dunno if I like it or not. Its more the colour it was when I was a kid. I think it looks a little funny. I wet it tonight and make my own curlers out of toilet paper rolls and elastic bands haha. Then Im gonna sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow morning! If it looks like shit Im screwed cuz I work 9-4 and then go right to school for my mid term, so Ill basically be embarrassed all day lol.
I bought my brother's Xmas presents today. On Sat Jenna is coming down and she's gonna help me Xmas shop! It won't be hard, I already am done my brother and my dad's gonna take two seconds. My parent's gift is gonna be done another day, so I only have to worry about my sister and mum. And I have NOOOOO clue what Im gonna get em!
Oh and I was supposed to have Fri and Sun off but now Im working Fri. So one day off all this week! Yucky poo. But I have to think of the money. All my savings are going to xmas gifts so I have to start all over again when Im done. I doubt Ill spend all my savings, but close enough.
I worked at Sears today and like, all my sittings turned out bad. Well I only had two but they were pretty bad. I need more practice, its gonna take time. But until Im told Im doing bad I wont worry about it. My boss keeps saying Im good. I overheard her on the phone to someone today "my new girl is really good" haha.
Well, Ive come to a decision about my life... I know Ive said this before but I think its true this time, I really AM gonna become a better person from now on. Its like, why do I keep looking at everyone like they owe me something? If they dont pay attention I feel betrayed. I gotta stop that. I can't look at everyone as a potential best friend. I have to smarten up. Don't look for attention, let attention come to me. Be nice to everyone, not overly generous, not overly flirty, just nice. According to my aunt who can apparently tell the future, I had 24 months starting last Jan to meet my future husband. Not like it's a deadline, just something she sees happening. A little taller then me, dark hair, accent, a little older. Sounds good eh *drool* We would meet over something to do with books, like a library or school. I am in month 11 of that 24 month find and I don't think Im close. I work with a guy that fits that discription almost... cept he's 17 lol. So no.
But still. I wanna be happy, I do. But I think over the last 5 yrs Ive been looking for it way to hard. Hey, I have a job, Im not homeless, I have people who I get along with at work and stuff, Im not totally hated by anyone at this moment... I think... so I should just breathe, and take it one day at a time. Stop looking to the future... to the "when will I be in love" and just let things flow.
yadda yadda... okie Im outtie.

Why do I always get what I don't want and what I want I can't have?
And how come when something I used to want comes along it's when I don't want it anymore?
And why do I hurt others when I only want to love? And how come others hurt me when I just want to be loved?
And why does the pain build up on me with incredible pressure? And why does the pressure never get better?
And how come when I'm finally happy things get worse? And how come when things get worse they never get better?
And why do I want to stop all the hearts from bleeding when mine is always flowing? And why does no one want to hold my heart and stop the pain?
And why am I so evil and hated by the world? And why don't I see the evilness in others when I walk down the street?
And how come a song can touch me and make me cry and explain my life? But why can't I express my feelings and life with music?
And why do I get trampled again and again? And why do I let myself continue to be pushed down and hurt?
And how can I be in a crowded room screaming and still be ignored? And how come when I am in a crowded room I feel alone?
And how come no one looks into my eyes? And how come when I look into people's eyes I can't concentrate on what they are saying?
And why do I fall in love so easy? And why doesn't anyone ever fall in love back?
And how the fuck do I stop the tears from falling when I don't want them to? And how come when I want to cry my eyes are dry?
And how come I want to be held all the time? But when someone finally reaches to me, I run?
And how come all I want to do is end my pain? And how come I am so afraid of dying?
And how come people get in my face and hurt me and hit me? And how come when they do I don't fight back?
And why did the past move so slowly? And why is time now going too fast?
Why am I always left behind?
Why does no one care?
Why am I alone?
What did I do?
Why am I sad?
Why do I care?
How come no one sees me?
Why do I wonder so much?
How come no one can explain it to me?
Why does no one try?
On 1121 it will all end

Emotions are evil

I am sitting here and it feel like someone has their hand inside my stomach and is squeezing me. Even my heart is a little sore. I had a pretty emotionally charged day.
Okay well first I met Jenna, my Hamilton online friend. I was terrified her and her husband would like attack me but they didn't. Jenna was very nice and we got along real well! We met up with a friend of hers who I think was pissed off cuz Jenna was talking more to me then her. Her daughter was sooooooo cute tho. And like most kids she came to me like a magnet the moment she met me. hehe. So we went to the Yee Haw thing which was kinda fun, we only stayed an hr and Jenna and I were in a corn stack maze for about 20 mins of it!! Then we got a couple pics done:


Then we went to Jody's concert. I felt so bad cuz I felt I was ignoring Jenna when we first got there. My eye barely strayed from Jody as I waited for him to acknowledge me. After the emotionally charged chat we had til 3am last night, I was hoping for at least a hello. I finally caught his eye and he waved and I motioned him to come to me which he did. I held out my arms and VERY surprisingly he accepted the hug. hehe... almost teary eyed. Anywho Jenna doesnt like crowds much so she waited outside (I felt bad!!!) while I watched Jody. He sang The Masochist second. I felt so dumb cuz usually when the bands announce their songs everyone goes WOOOOO! So when he said that song Im like WOOO and NO one else did and the guy beside me laughed at me. Im such a nerd.
But ya I sang along and was happy. And I got tons of pics...



Then I went outside and apologized to Jenna for ditching her hehe. We went over to the park area and yakked. And yakked. hehe. Bonded basically. But it got mega cold so after saying bye to Jody we called it a night. So after meeting her and hitting it off I feel like I finally not only have a friend, but a real one. Genuine. And it hurts that I can't like just go hang out whenever I want. Plus she's married so it's not like "oh Im coming over for the night! Girls sleepover makeup party!"... like Id ever actually say that but if I wanted to I couldnt.
So right now my emotions are all mental cuz I feel cemented to Jody right now... and he knows it and I THINK is okay with it so yay. And I feel like my bond with Jenna is starting to cement.
Jody has a good philosophy. He's been trying to get me to think like him (but Im kinda dumb) but he basically says I shouldnt look at people with the intention of becoming close with them, or falling in love with them, or expecting anything from them. Treat everyone the same. Nice. Be nice to everyone. Don't be too open, or too forward... and then people will be nice back and the RIGHT ones, the ones that are supposed to be in your life will stand out and stick. He's smart. And Im starting to do that I think.
And its nice I have Jenna and Jody to talk to. They are kinda wacky friendships, definately not ordinary, but who cares. I love those two so much and they are all I need right now, and they showed up when I was in my darkest place. Maybe it's all uphill from here?