Sucks to be addicted

OMG... I dunno what it is with me, but I get addicted to things SO easily. It's like, if I like it I get addicted. Im semi addicted to smoking... Im definitely addicted to food. I was a REAL addiction to rice believe it or not. That's how I gained all my weight. I use to eat a bowl once or twice a day. Everyday. Now we don't have it in our house, but if my mum forgets and buys it, I have the box eaten in a couple days. It's crazy!
If I play a game I like, I get addicted. Like a video game or something. Im currently addicted to Mah Jong. I play it on yahoo games. I play it every single day! I'm also addicted to tv shows. If I miss Survivor I wanna cry! haha.
I'm a little afraid of drinking alcohol because I KNOW that's a serious addiction and I also know I could probably become an alcoholic easily... so I try and avoid it. I barely ever drink. But when I do I can down a beer in 10 mins. Which doesn't seem fast... but remember I almost NEVER drink. I've had about 10 beers in my whole life.
Speaking of drinks though I AM addicted to pop. Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke if Pepsi isn't around. I drink at least 5 cans a day.
I wish I knew a way to unaddict myself to certain things. But Im addicted to not trying to unaddict myself.

Oy, I wrote to that man who did a bad version of my mother's song... coward hasn't written back yet. Uh huh... lol!

Okie so another boring day for me today. Mum's gonna take me out driving again... geez I am SUCH a nervous driver it's insane. I can NOT find the center of the road... so I swerve. And I go the speed limit... barely... so I almost always have at last 6 cars trailing me. Is it that wrong to go the damn speed limit? Im only a beginner... I ain't gonna be speeding down the road getting a ticket! Hello!
But anyway, I think Im doing "Young Drivers of Canada" and they will teach me everything I need to know and save me money on my insurance. Plus I can go for my G1 in September instead of next January. Coolie :p
Im still looking into a college or university. I think I know what I wanna do now (finally... only changed my mind 12 times!) I wanna go into directing, producing, editing and writing. I wanna make movies! And music videos... and tv shows. But not tv shows as much. But ya! That's what I wanna do. I wanna direct mostly. When I was young I wanted to be an actress but now I know I wanna be behind the camera... even if it's just as a camera person. I wanna be a part of it all... how exciting will that be!? Think of all the hits my blog would get... LOL

When my mum was younger her and her friends made up this song that tells the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. It's so cool and my mum would always sing it to me when I was growing up. Well, not really sing. It's more of a poem with a beat... hard to discribe. But anyway I listened to it growing up... and I thought it was cool my mum helped write this song!
So today I was watching a show called "Ants in Your Pants" with Alicia. It's a show that takea a collection of children's music videos and puts them together in a half hr show... different videos each day. So suddenly today the song my mother helped write comes on TV! I was excited! How cool was that! She helped write it like 30 years ago... so obviously in that time someone, told someone who told someone who gave it to a guy who sings children's songs and there you go! However... in that translation the song was changed somewhat... parts were cut out and the guy (some 60 yr old man) SANG it HORRIBLY! OMG it was terrible! Kinda makes me sad... if only all those kids and their mum's knew the REAL version... the cool one!
Oh and here it is if you wanna read it!
"The Three Bears" (Original Lyrics!)
Once upon a time in a nursery rhyme there were 3 bears... bobbadoo bop.
They all went a-walkin' and a-talkin' in the woods,
When along came a little girl with long flowing golden curls,
And her name was Goldilocks and up upon the door she knocked,
But no one was there, no one was there.
She walked right in and had herself a ball,
She didn't care, no one was there.
Home came the three bears.
"Someone's been eating my porridge" said the papa bear, said the papa bear.
"Someone's been eating my porridge" said the mama bear, said the mama bear.
"Hey boppery-bop" said the little wee bear, "someone has broken my chair!" who?
Just then Goldilocks woke up, and broke up the party, and beat it outta there.
"Bye, bye, bye" said the papa bear,
"Bye, bye, bye" said the mama bear,
"Hey boppery-bop" said the little wee bear.
That is the story of the three bears, the three bears.

It's the little things...

I was talking to my bestest friend Keri on the phone last night. She is from Scotland. We were sort of comparing how we use different phrases or words for things. It was a real cute and funny conversation. The one that sticks out for some weird reason is "shopping cart" or just "carts". She calls them "shopping trolleys". I guess because I use to work at a grocery store and she works at one, it applied to both of us.
She calls pants: trousers. haha.
Oh the phone, she said the word "crisps" and I laughed. I said "You mean chips?" and she said "No chips are..." and I jumped in with our word: "French fries?" She laughed and said "ya, tatties". But she said it SOOO cute! And I couldn't understand what she said. And Im like "Tah-ee?" and she kinda laughed and said it a couple more times... then she spelled it. "Oh tatties!! haha"
The whole conversation was cute and it made me realize how different countries have different sayings.

My bonnie wee lassie

I saw Alicia today. For those of you who don't know Alicia is the little girl I babysit every now and then. I started sitting her last summer and I use to see her 3 or more times a week. She turned one in early December. I haven't seen her much since Xmas tho, and I miss her! We bonded so well.
But anyway I hadn't seen her in 3 weeks. I went over to babysit her today and when I got there she was sleeping. She finally woke up after an hour. I heard her stir and went up. She was half awake, still whiney and still lying in her crib. She saw me and got a look of surprise on her face. She stood up and tried to climb out of the crib. I put my arms out and she put hers out... SO CUTE! So I lifted her out and gave her a hug. She put her head on my shoulder and cuddled into me. AWW!
I brought her down and held her as I made her bottle (with one hand!) I kept looing at her and making faces and she'd smile and smile! Then I changed her and gave her a baba. When I got myself a drink and came back she was peeking over the couch on me with a BIG smile on her face! I sat on the couch and she ran around the living room showing me her toys as if they were new! Which they weren't. Then she climbed onto the couch (with some help) and stood beside me watching her show on tv. hehe. I love that little girl like she's my own daughter! It was so nice seeing her today! Her mum said she'd have me come over more often now that the weather is getting nicer! I sure hope so!!

This picture was taken Jan 29th 2004. She blinked last sec so it looks a little silly! Look how she's holding my hand tho... AWW

Im just a girl...

Hey! Well I did it. I quit smoking... sort of. I tried but whenever I went to school I constantly bummed some from my friend. I don't think it's fair so I bought a pack on Monday and I only smoke at school now. Like, one on the way to school, one during break and one on the way home. May not seem like a big deal but I was up to like a pack every 5 days and, well, it was gross. Plus I smoke the lightest brand you can get so it's all good!
Just checked my guestbook. I didn't even think people wrote in there but there were two messages from people and I have no idea who they are... so YAY! Im actually reaching people other then those I GAVE my link to! haha. Rock on. I got my tights in a bunch awhile back cuz almost no one comments... but now Im thinking so what? Im not writing in here for other people... people viewing my point of view on life is just a bonus! That's why I don't proof read... but maybe I should. haha.
Okay so the quitting smoking wasn't on my list to better myself... but I did it anyway. Another way to better myself... altho it's not physical is to be kinder to people and kinder to myself. Now... being kinder to myself is gonna be HARD. In never really have been. But Im gonna TRY. Maybe it'll help! I mean no one wants to be my friend or date me for a reason right? I was sure it was my gastly looks (whoops... that wasn't kind to myself!!) but Im thinking it's probably the way I think about myself and yadda yadda... Im going on a little too long eh?
OKay Im off to bed in a bit. I got a new bed about a week ago... omg. I went from a single to a double which is so much bigger and the bed is SO high off the ground, if I sit on the edge my feet don't touch. It's like paradise as one of my favourite activites is sleeping! I look forward to going to bed every night! My old bed was so small I couldn't turn over and I was sleeping on springs! Plus I LOOOOOVE high beds! I feel like a Princess! haha. okie nighty night!

...and back to the loving place

Okay Im over my spaz from yesterday. Ya Im upset but fuck em. I dont HAVE to post there anymore, so Im not gonna. I dont need net friends... better to concentrate on real human connection!
ooh u been watching American Idol? I like NEVER do but this yr... I am! After the Group 2 tonight I want Bre, Camille and Lisa to get top three and Cam and Bre to go thru... PROBABLY won't happen... but thats me vote.
Anywho Im off. Shout out to anyone viewing my blog.

Well... I was sure put in my place today. The message board I go to all the time... well I can't really go back. I posted there all carefree, happy that there was a place full of people I considered friends... then suddenly a bunch of people start posting about hwo much they hate me. They hate all my stupid comments. It was like being electricuted. I was in tears. I was in shock. I was thrown RIGHT back into those days in school where people spat on me and hated me and I didn't know why. I don't know why this happened today either... but I know I can never post there again. Ive had a couple people ask me to stay but how can I?!
So... now Im taking a real good look at myself. There MUST be something about me that make people just HATE me... God I wish I knew what it was... *sigh* Im totally in tears now it's pathetic.
I can't even make friends online... what the hell is WRONG with me? Fuck I have no friends irl no friends online... will someone plz tell me the point of my life cuz I dont understand. WHY am I hated so? WHY?!?!??!?!?!
God... on that board I got so confident. Id post jokes and laugh with people... and I brought that into my real life too. At school, eventho I feel like Im being fake I still make the jokes, talk to people, be nice and sweet... but shit are they also thinking in the back of their minds "God I hate her!??" after tonight... yes I guess so. I summerized my past as: Well... they were kids. Thats why they made fun of me. It was an ackward time. But no. Yrs later it's still happened. My confidence in myself is shattered and I think it will be... maybe forever. It would be one thing if one person said something... but when others chim in and agree they hate me...
God I could go on about this forever but Im not gonna. I dont even know if Ill blog anymore... how many people are reading this and just hating EVERY word?! Then again if they did they wouldn't keep reading...
Wow... I need a book with all the answers in the world to fall out of the sky and land on my lap right now. Id read it til I knew everything...

So yesterday my sister and I were bored around 3pm. We decided to go to the mall eventho it closed at 5. I also decided to hand out a few resumes... but that's not really important. We got there at 3:30 and dad said he's come get us when mum got off work at 6. So we'd have to ammuse ourselves for an hr after the mall closed.
So we hand out the resumes... visit mum and beg her for money... she doesn't have any (uh HUH) so we're talking around being bored and are kinda hungry. So we decided to go to the East Side Marios there. There's usually a wait for a table but it was only 4 at this point so off we go.
We sit in this booth and our waiter was this guy named Todd who Ive had before. He served my friend booze when she was under age. Anywho he was kinda cute... whatever. I order brusseta cuz it was hald priced and my sister ordered kid sized pizza... it said for 10 and under only. So I said to the guy "She's 10" and he's like "Well I dont believe you're 10 but okay..." (She's 15)
So like we wanna know if we get free bread... cuz most places give free bread... so my sister kept saying to EVERY waiter that walked by "Excuse me, Flo?" Fuck it was funny... so she put her hand up and one guy stopped, and came to us and my sister is like "oh hi" and he walked away! And she said "OR NOT" loud enough for him to hear and he still didn't turn back. And for the rest of the time we were there everytime he walked by he looked the ceiling, or the floor... anywhere but us... good waiter! NOT!
Anywho we flag down one guy and ask. He's like "You only get bread with pasta" my sister said "I ordered pasta" and Im like "You ordered pizza..." and she said "No pasta" and she mumbled something about pasta and pizza and I thought she had pasta ON her pizza... man I was confused. But anywho she did order pasta. So he says :Then you get free bread, Im sure your waiter will bring it" suddenly our waiter shows up 5 secs later and says "You only get bread with lunch size pasta. You ordered kid sized pasta" so there is a little "argument" for a couple mins and he FINALLY says "I can bring bread if you want bread but its a dollar" and Im like "A DOLLAR? Geez, bring it, I dont care about a dollar!" if he said that in the first place... but whatever. And everytime that other guy walked by we glared at him. "He told on us... like we were trying to scam them out of bread..."
So we get our damn bread and our drinks. So we cut the bread and as my sis goes for a peice I like slowly move my peice away from hers... and she laughs and Im like "I didn't mean to be con...spiricy" WHY did I say conspircy? Cuz Im an idiot who couldn't think of the RIGHT word. For some reason this was so damn funny to us I was laughing til I cried and she couldn't breathe.
So anywho the kids menu said she got a free drink with her meal. So Todd comes back and we ask him. He says no. We're like why? and he said because ur not really a kid. im just charging you the the kids plate but you dont get the benefits. If you wanna pay $10 for the lunch sized pasta you can have the bread for free! and Im like NO thats okay! I wasnt paying an extra $5. I only have $20 on me! My sister kept going on and Im like "Shut up or he's gonna start charging us more" so he walked away and we laughed... again. We get our food, the brusetta SUCKS. God it was bad. I barely ate it.
We were talking about Todd cuz Ky thought he was cute. "How old he is?" she wondered. I guessed 24. She said "If he's 24 Ill laugh SO hard" He comes back. She asks "How old are you?" "24" we go on about how amazing it was I was right... he looks scared and walks away LOL
The bill comes... $17.50 man a waste of my only money... cept we had fun. So I ask for a to go bag for the crap I didn't eat and he comes to the table, opens the little styrofoam box and walks away. Im like "I guess I have to do it" laughing cuz most places put the food IN the box for you too... but whatever Im not lazy so I just did it" He also left these mint things for us. "Are the mints free?" we asked but he didn't hear... it was an ongoing joke by now... we'd tried to scam em outta bread and drinks! LOL! And when a guy brought me a refill of my Coke I was like "Is it FREE?!"
So my sister says we should give Todd a tip and a note asking if the mints were free as a joke. So I ask to borrow this bitch's pen. Im writing trying not to let her see... cuz she's like standing OVER me. My sister is like "leave your # it'll be SO funny!" so I wrote "722-8424 Are the mints free? Ash and Ky"
(BTW... to anyone reading this feel free to call me if you can figure out the area code lol)
So we go to pay and my sister saw the bitch read our note. Argh. But she left it there for Todd anyway. So we're waiting to pay and finally the guy's like "I have no change go back to ur waiter" and we're scared cuz we thought he read the note, but he hadnt yet. So after we pay Im like "Ur tip's on the table BYE" and anywho ya it was funny.
So by the time we get out of there's it's 5 and shit's closing. We go to the movie theatre cuz it was the only thing open. We go to the arcade area and there is a game thing in an enclosed... thing and on the seat was a wallet. So my sister opens it and all that's in it are two reward cards for yogen fruz (or however u spell it) and all the spots were marked with star stickers except the last two: free small yogen fruz and we're like HEY COOL! We were thinking it MAY be fake cuz anyone can put star stickers on the card... but we'd try! So we run over there hoping to get ther before it closed down completely and there was this little foriegn old guy working there. My sister shows him the card and he GRABS it and says "Where did you get this?!?!?" and Im like "from another store..." and he said "where!??!?!" and Im like "I don't remember..." we were so scared LOL. Im like "Why do you use a punch thing here?" and he's like "We use a stamp!!!!!!" and Im like "well we'll take it back to the other place we go to" and my sister and I walked away LAUGHIN. But we kept the cards. We're gonna put em somewhere, see if anyone picks em up and follow them to yogen fruz LMAO.
So... we ended up being there til 6:15 waiting for dad. We walked around the store a bunch of times... I stole a moldy orange from the Dairy Queen that fired me. (Ya Im such a rebel) and that's about it. I crank called a Subway in Mississauga. I used my cell # with the 905 area code and got Subway. I called collect tho and the first time some guy answers and he's all confused on what to do. So I call back and as my name I said "I wanna order a suuuuuuub" in a weird voice and the woman who picked it up said in a strict mean voice "don't ever call back!" and hung up. So I was gonna but my dad arrived and we had to go... aww lol.
So ya... our trip to the mall. A measly 3 hrs... So entertaining to us haha.

Another brush with the stars coming up for me... kinda.
Ive meet various cast members of Xena and the main guy from The Spoons is my God father (remember... the 80's band The Spoons? Nova Heart? Ya no one remembers) and Ive met various stars thru the net like Mia Tyler and Bruce Campbell and Toddy Walters... but Ive never met royalty... but I will in March!
There is this convention called Life Fest and other then Debbie Travis (whom I LOVE... Canadian designer... her show was the original Trading Spaces) guess who will be there? Guess! Okay stop you're way off.
FERGIE! AHH! Sarah Fergison... wow. I mean... I get to watch her speak... I dont know if I will be able to actually TALK to her but Im hoping I can get a pic with her! HOW EXCITING! Did you ever see the Friends episode where Joey gets her on camera? "ITS FERGIE BABY!" the crowd went nuts. Everyone loves her and I get to meet her! AHHHHHHHH!
So ya March 13th... Ill write all about it!

Ur2Good4Me

Went to English class again yesterday. Im actually enjoying it. I sit front and center, I make jokes, I suck up to the teacher... Im all happy and sweet and charming and bloody fake. For serious! Its pathetic!
Hmm, I just erased a bunch of what I just typed. My luck someone from my class will stumble across this and whoops! Oh well it isn't important.
Anywho there are some cute guys in my class. I think Ive noticed them sneak glances at me. None have actually talked to me tho cept the guy who sits beside me. Mike. He smells like pot. I like that smell. Its a nice high during class.
OMG class is boring. I dont know why I enjoy it... actually yes I do. Its a place to be social. To be around people... which is what I crave. Thats probably why I say the jokes... and make comments and join in people's conversations with a certian wit and charm. (HA! Right...) I need socializing SO badly. So eventhough the class itself bores me and I can tell already it's gonna be hard (We're reading McBeth among other things) I can not wait to go there everyday!
But... like with any crowded room, I feel everyone in it is too good for me. It's full of pretty girls and cute guys and best friends... and smart people and cool people. All better then me. I don't know why I feel this way... but I always do. Even the friends I talk to online... Keri, Averie, all of em... they are better then me.
Anywho that's why "You're too good for me" is my fav song... my fav saying... it's so true! Actually "You're so cold" is my fav song. One day Ill upload it... it's real good. Explains my life I swear! Toddy knows me and she never even met me!
Wow... I sure have babbled about nothing today! Anywho Im gonna go babysit... and I get a new bed tonight! Woo! Later!

Do you realize, that everyone, you know, someday, will die...

Im scared of dying. Im actually scared of a lot of things:
1. Spiders!!!!!
2. Bees
3. Other insects
4. Being hit
5. Men
6. The dark (only a bit)
7. Walking alone at night
8. Railroad tracks
9. Death
10. Being buried alive
11. Claustrophobia
12. Being shot/stabbed
13. Heights
14. Thunder and lightning
15. Being touched
16. Being rejected
17. Riding in a car at night
18. Those ski lift things... jesus they freak me
19. Of God...
Hmm, thats a lot. And 19 seems like a weird #. Oh I have a last one.
20. Things blowing up
Im always afraid my tv or comp will blow up in my face. Anywho... 20. Shit Im a baby! Some are minor tho. Some are MAJOR. Anywho in comments put ur fears! I wanna compare! :p Ya Im sick...

THE QUEST TO BETTER MYSELF

By the summer I would like to achieve the following regarding my looks:
1. Lose 100 pnds
2. Fix my hair
3. Whiten my teeth
4. Clear up my skin
5. Do my nails again

Number 1 Im slow going at... People keep saying I look thinner but my clothes fit the same, so I dunno. I really have to work on excersizing and eatting better. Oy.

Number 2 is practically done. I bought this expensive stuff that made my hair thicker and healthier and so pretty. Now I just wanna give it a slight trim and wait for my damn bangs to grow out.

Number 3... damn braces. Made my teeth horrid. But I spent $40 on that crest whitening stuff and after less then a week they are already stunning. YAY! I recommend these Crest Strip things. They kinda make ur teeth sensitive for a bit but it's worth the pain. I did try the brushing on stuff... the two week stuff. Crap. Total waste of $20 they didn't do a THING.

Number 4 is due to the fact I never took care of my skin while growin up. I didn't wash it everyday or mosterize and now I have pore so big you can swim in em... although I don't know why you'd wanna. So now before I go to bed everynight I clean and scrub and all that jazz and actually my face is clearing up quite nicely.

Number 5... About a yr ago I got these fake nails put on professionally and they were so nice and I was in love with them. After losing my job I stopped getting em filled but I miss em! So before the summer Im gonna get them put back on.

SO basically my biggest task is number one. Id also like to get a nose job and chin implant but I don't have $1000. So for now Ill just lose the weight. My face might look better on it's own with the baby fat gone. I wanna achieve this SO much. I have a lot of mucsle under this weight and I think I could have a nice body if I DO THE WORK.
Anywho... just thought Id share that. After yrs and yrs of not taking care of myself Im proud Im taking a stand! When I was young I was thin and pretty, Id LOVE to get back to that.
Any dieting tips would help TONSSSSSSSSSSSSS

The Friday 5

I use to do the FF on my old site then kinda forgot about it when it got deleted. Im gonna start doing it again tho I may forget on actual FRIDAY and do it on like Sunday or something.

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?

hmm, I don't really know. To me daring is going on a roller coaster or skipping school. Im not a very daring person. More of a chicken shit.

2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?

Well... Ive smoked pot a few times but my mum knew about that. I have two tattoos but everyone knows about that. Hmm... I don't really know.

3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
Like 2! But I wish it could be higher... I over think everything!

4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?

Oh my Lord... let me think... well I know if Im pushy with people and act all sweet and flirty which is not me at all, I can sometimes get what I want. I know that's not risky but for an ugly fat girl it's pretty bold. I can't think of a better example. Sorry...

5. ... and what's the worst?

LOL... want my biography? Just kidding. Umm, ya there've (is that a word?) been times Ive done stupid things LIKE the skipping school or asking out Dewald or that whole campground story!! My life has been pretty boring so I don't really know about today's FF hehe.

Like my new layout?!? I LOVE it. I was up til 3:30am last night and I still hadn't finished... so I got on first thing today (Well I woke up at noon...) and got back at it and I think it's really really pretty. I was so unhappy with my last layout. Too many bright colours and it was... boring and kinda ugly.
Anywho comments page is below... lemme know whatcha think!

Wow... I just woke up from a weeeeeeeeeird dream.
Okay I was watching tv with a bunch of people, I dont even know who they all were and sitting beside me is Pippin, the hobbit from LOTR. Not Billy Boyd the actor who plays him, but Pippin. 3 foot 4 and all. Curly hair, hobbit clothes... cute as a button. So we're yakkin and in the dream Im thinking "Im so in love with Billy Boyd and Billy plays Pippin... so if I can get with Pippin it's all good" so we're flirting and everything and he's like "The man who plays me is Billy Boyd" and Im like "Oh really?" and he's like "Ya and he would really like you" and Im thinking its weird flirting with a man who's 3'4" and a hobbit... but if I can get on his good side soon Ill have Billy who's 5'7". It was like they were two different people or something... I dunno. Strange tho.
Pippin then comes to me and whispers "Most women say no... but would you like to have sex?" (well he actually said something different but Im not gonna say... it's not a dirty word, he just discribed something in better detail) and I smiled and said "Okay" and he's all excited... so we go to this room, well bed and it's like in the middle of a crowded room and if you lift the covers everyone could see us. LOL! And at one point the covers got lifted and Sam (or Sean Astin... I dunno if it was the character or the actor) saw a glimpse of me and looked kinda... mad or sad? So anywho we're under these covers and Pippin gets naked and his skin is smoooooooth. I remember that for some reason cuz I kissed it all over LOL! But it was like super slick smooth.
So anywho Im making out with this little guy and I look down at his... Mr Winky and it is TINY (ofcourse) and Im thinking "Billy's will be bigger" and as Im doing my think Pippin is just lying there with his hands behind his head looking all happy and proud and cute... and I woke up thinking "What the hell kinda dream did I just have??!?!!?"
So ya... I bet Im not the first girl to have a hobbit sex dream... but am I suppose to dream them proportional too?