Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday to me...

Yep, 22 today. No one got me a gift tho cept my friend Keri in Scotland. She had flowers delivered to me AND sent me this beautiful LOTR plaque thingy... Ill take a pic and scan it someday... it's wow.
And my grandparents gave me $30 to spend... but other then that no pressies =( My parents said they WILL get me something, it's just delayed like last yr.
Oh well... Im not greedy. A nice "Happy Birthday!" helps me feel loved. Just to be remembered!
Anywho in an hr we're going to a nice restaurant and then my sister mum and I are gonna go see 50 First Dates. Yay! Off I go.

Little Nicky...

Im babysitting at the moment. 6:45am-5pm roughly. Could be later cuz of the huge snowstorm. Snow's up past me knees... so fun. Not.
Anywho Im babysitting our neighbor's little boy Nicky. He's 2. He's cute... he says everything with ethusiasm and exclaims my name after every sentence. "What's that ASHY? Dora's on ASHY! Look at my new truck ASHY! Yummy sandwich ASHY" its cute. Thing with Nicky tho is I can't understand half of what he SAYS. I guess it's the age. I can understand Allanah and she's 3... but Nicky no clue half the time! He gets frusterated sometimes and it's cute. Like if he wants to show me something and I cant understand he'll sigh, come to me, take my hand and lead me there.
Today he wanted to watch Dora The Explorer but the VCR was broken. He was sad "where Dora ASHY?" and, almost as if God heard, Dora came on tv 15 mins later. He was THRILLED "Dora on ASHY!" and he RAN and jumped in my lap to watch... I smiled and started to cuddle when the smell hit me. The kid had a poopy diaper BAD... but I wasn't gonna get him to the change table because Dora was on! Halfway thru I couldn't stand it. I picked him up and practically fought him to the table. But he could kinda see Dora from there so he wasn't too upset.
But he's napping now. His mom says he goes down for 2-3 hours on a good day. I hope this is a good day!!!! He's sweet but everyone needs a break from little kids at times. Especially when Im watching him for almost 12 hrs!
OMG... I got up this morning at 6am and at about 6:10 went out to walk the dog. Carly is kinda small and she doesn't like other dogs. She was attacked but our former neighbor's jack russel and so now shes scared. One day while walking her, a dog charged at us and I had to pick up her 50 pnd ass just so the dog wouldn't bite her. The big dog jumped around my feet til the owner grabbed him. Like hello it IS illegal to have a dog off their leash...
So back to my story... we're at the garbage can where Im dumping her poo bag hoping to avoid the man with his german shepard who was about 100 feet away. Nope, the dog saw us and started running to us. He man is calling the dog's name and Im like fuck... Im pulling Carly's leash towards home hoping the dog will just go back to his owner. Nope. The dog lunges at us and starts barking at Carly... who gets scared and starts growling. The were so ficious sounding... snapping at eachother. I was trying to kick at the dog to get it away from Carly... and I hate hurting animals so imagine how I felt!!! The owner is finally starting to get close to us... I was trying to pick up Carly but couldn't. I scream to the man "COME AND GET UR DOG" and the man... who was a nationality I can't stand (Im not racist... well not very. But these people I HATE. I wont say who... but its not african americans... candians? lol. They're cool with me) anywho this man is all like "Im sorry Im sorry" with his accent I hate and grabs his dog's collar and I snap at him "Maybe you should put a leash on that dog" and head home... later my mum is like "You should have said u were gonna report him cuz it is illegal" Ill do that next time! What if I had Nicky or Allanah with me?! Jeeeez.

THE ADVENTURE OF ASCHLEY AND MARLA
Ya... that could be a tv show... if they can give Bernie Mac his own show, why not me? When I was in 10th grade I started hanging out with a girl named Marla near the beginning of the year. I was feeling rebelious... like a lot of 15 yr old kids do I spose. I was going out with a guy named James and my group of friends were... well... brainy and smart and never took chances and wouldn't live dangerously. I basically lost all those friends hanging out with Marla... who no one liked. I met Marla's old boyfriend Taylor in October and liked him. I was going to cheat on James with him but he said he would only see me if I dumped James. So I did and started dating Taylor all within the hour. That was in November. That's about the time the skipping school started. They only took attendence first period, so Marla and I would go to those classes, math somedays, english the others, and then skip the rest of the day. Marla and I were in the same Math class but not English... English was the only subject I wasn't failing by the end of the term.
Marla and I did a lot of our "days off". There was a lecture room in the school and it was joined to the gym by the stage... the stage had curtains on both sides to seperate the lecture room from the gym. So when both curtains were closed it was a dark stage that no one went on and that became me and Marla's haven. On one side of the stage was a ladder that went to the second floor. Up there was like a little loft. We LOVED it up there. Out a little window u could see the lecture room. We'd spy on the odd class that went in there, but mostly it was just us. We'd keep my lighter on for light. We'd gossip and just have fun. Some classes Taylor would skip too and we'd all hang up there and play truth or dare... and even in the dark at our age we never did anything real dirty like have sex or anything. Taylor was a gentleman. And I was shy!
When not in that little loft Marla and I would be out and about the town. There was a bridge near the school that we loved. It went over a busy(ish) street and we would hang out on the bridge all the time. We'd either spit on the cars or just sit and talk. Marla flashed the cars going by one day... it was hilarious. She also used to climb over the bridge onto the narrow ledge on the other side... I was WAY to scared to do that!
This bus like to park partly under the bride, and one time I dared her to jump off that ledge onto the roof of the bus. She did! And was even able to climb back up onto the bridge.
Sometimes we'd walk to the mall which was only a street away from the school. We have our brunch in this little diner place... we'd always get these homefries and smoke while we waited for em to arrive.
I think this was the time my smoking started up. At first I don't even know how we got em, but one day we decided to ask someone on the street to go into a gas station and buy them for us. Someguy did and came out with the smokes and some change. "Thanks man" I said, trying to be cool, only to put the money in a pocket with a hole and have it fall ALL over the street... he laughed and walked away.
One day me, Marla, Taylor and her then bf Todd decided to go to this sewer thing... you know those ones that are giant and have like a huge hole in a wall and you can go into? And be underground? Anywho this is what we decided to do. We lifted the grate thingy that was infront of the hole and went in. We had to kinda walk on the sides which sloped up (it was a giant cylinder) because there was water on the bottom and we didn't wanna get wet... plus I was wearing my mum's shoes. When you got to a certian point it was PITCH black. I was so scared if someone was hiding in there we'd have NO idea. I was terrified but didn't turn back.
We got to a spot where there was a hole in the side we could sit and above up with a ladder that led up the a sewer on the street. We sat there with the TINY bit of light that shone down from the little holes and talked and Marla and Todd made out and I was still kinda scared... so we decided to go back. Todd (who was the "expert" in the group) said every now and then water comes flying down the sewer and fills it with water and if we got caught up in that we'd be carried to the end where'd we'd smash into the grate and die. (Now I know thats not even possible... but THEN...)
Wow... so we decided to leave. We're walking, trying not to step in the water at the bottom when we hear this loud noise... and it doesn't stop. And Todd's like "THE WATER'S COMING!" and Taylor's like "RUN" and we ran! My shoes and pants were getting soaked but I didn't care. I was running making little wimpering noises SO SCARED.
We finally get to the end... and wait there for like 20 mins to watch the water gush out. Nothing. So we headed back to school... kinda bewildered. When I got home mum was like "Why are my shoes wet?!" "I fell in a puddle" I said... hehe. She was pretty mad. At the time Im thinking... I woulda died if I didn't run...
So those are just a few of our "adventures". Marla ended up being not just a bad influence but a bad friend. She kissed my boyfriend then tried to burn down the school and blamed me. I was charged with arson and kicked out of school in February. A year later a judge found me not guilty of arson and I was so thankful. Now I hate that girl and can't believe she'd turn on me to save herself... but at the time, back when we used to skip together... those were such fun times for me... and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Even after being accused of trying to burn down the school... we were put on the best friends page of the yearbook...

When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful, beautiful, oh it was magical... umm something something. Ya okay I don't know the words.
I guess when I was REALLY young it seemed that way... but I don't totally remember. I know I was realitivly happy... I could spell better then I can now!!!!! hehe. Umm, but ya I was a big sister to two adorible little kids, as far as I knew I had my mum and my dad and my grandparents and that was my family. I was skinny, I was healthy and I did good in school. When I was about.... 9 my mum comes to me. "Aschley, David isn't your father, some guy in British Columbia is. Want me to call him on the phone so you can talk?"
K well it wasn't exactly like that but I don't remember anything about the conversation. Just that I talked to him the same day on the phone.
In April, during his birthday he came to Ontario with his new wife to meet me. His whole family lived here and he was gonna celebrate birthday #34 with them. My mum and I met them at this hotel and I was scared SHITLESS. He hugged me which I didn't really want cuz I didn't know him. We sat on this couch, me on one side, younger more heartless wife Alison on the other... my mum off to the side. He hugged Alison and I and said "My two fav girls!" I felt so bad for mommy.
We went to his parents house where his mother, father, two sisters, their kids, their husbands and two brothers and their girlfriends waited. Tom (my father) went to the house and his mom opened it and SQUEALED and hugged him. I looked at my mum terrified, I was so scared. She said it would be okay. I dont remember meeting them, I guess it was okay.
I sat with Tom while he opened presents and I mingled with this new huge family and felt... I dunno. Weird.
In March of the yr I was 11 during March break I went to BC with Tom's parents for a visit. I don't remember much about the trip except it was warm and I had so much fun with Alison's family... but not with Tom or Alison.
I went to BC the March I was 12 all by myself... another trip I don't remember. The last time I went was the summer I was 14. I went for 5 weeks. It was a strange trip that Ill probably write about someday. I remember not wanting to go home. And on the plane ride home I just wanted to get home... the flight couldn't end sooner. I got home at midnight but didn't want to sleep. I was too... sad. I felt homesick. Eventhough I didn't really care about Tom, something about that summer changed me... I mean, I was already a changing person at this point. I had started gaining the weight and started being moody and stuff. Alison and I had fought a few times cuz she thought I was anorexic cuz I wouldn't eat her damn food. My picky eatting habits picked up that yr.
Eventhough Tom paid for 3 plane tickets for me, and was making some sort of an effort... I didn't feel the love. At all. I didn't like the man. He forgot my birthdays and Christmases... he never called, I always had to call first. Suddenly one day I just wouldn't have anything to do with him.
When I was about 19 or 20 he managed to get a letter to me with his email address. I emailed him a few times... he gushed about his other kid who wasn't even his. (I found that out when I was in BC the last time) He tried to be good to me, he tried to have a heart. He wanted me to come see him... minus Alison who had left him for her baby's daddy. But I still felt that... that akwardness. I finally agreed to give him another chance but he'd have to become friends with my mum too... cuz she's my life. So we did a threeway chat on msn last summer and the first thing he does is insult my mother. She was talking about happy memories or them together, trying to be positve eventhough he despised her and he insulted her. I wrote him a letter saying I would no longer have contact with him. It had been a 2 yr struggle of emails to get that far and he blew it.
He still tries to talk to me... emails me and stuff. But I just want him to leave me alone... am I such a bad daughter?!

okay, this girl (me) has come to a decision. Im gonna stop posting this depressing crap on my blog. No one wants to read it and Im just upsetting my friends. Its not right and its not fair and I come across as a total nutjob :p
SO what Im gonna do is create a private blog to write all my crap in. besides its hard to vent feelings on here and not be able to give a reason! Im gonna write all my feelings and vent vent vent on a PRIVATE blog. Because Ive felt that writting has helped me... kinda.
So... good deal? Okie. Now... I said Id write more stories on here. Let's see... ooh I'll write about the time my friend Myla decided to have a Christmas party.
Okay the year was 2002. I was working at a grocery store: Zehrs. I had become friends with a 30 yr old SWEETY PIE woman named Myla who was from Ukraine. Her accent was real heavy and she kinda sounded Russian. Such a pretty accent tho. But none of the girls at work understood her or made an effort like me (accents turn me on :p) so we became close. I was also real close with a girl named Sarah who wa sa couple yrs younger then me. I mentioned her before... she's the one who ended up being pregnant last yr.
ANYWHO Myla tells me she is having an Xmas party on Jan 10th which I found funny cuz it was AFTER Xmas but she said it was part of her religion or something. I asked if I could bring a friend and she said sure so I invited Sarah. I ended up quitting Zehrs (a grocery store by the way) in Nov just before my sugery but still talked to Sarah and Myla. So I talk to Myla a week before, everything is still on. I knew where she lived cuz Id been there a few times and whatever. So the day comes and Sarah and I meet at the mall. We take a bus to Myla's at about 6 or 7pm... which was pitch black cuz it was January. We finally arrive, get off the bus and walk to Myla's. We go up the stairs, ring the bell. Nothing... ring again... no answer. Weird! Where's the party?! We noticed that the front door was open, so we opened the screendoor and called in "Hello!?" silence. OKay freaky! If no one was home WHY was the door wide open? We were scared... what if a burgular was inside? So we walk, slipping and sliding on the ice and FREEZING our asses off to a corner store at the VERY end of the long street. I called my mum. She advised "Im sure everythings fine, she probably ran out to get something. Wait in the house she wont mind, if she doesn't show by 8 call me and Ill get you. Call me when you get in her house."
So we walk ALL the way back. House looks the same. We debated whether to wait inside but we were SO cold we decided to. We go in and call hello again. Nothing. I was worried maybe she was hurt somewhere and couldn't hear us... but I didn't wanna explore cuz I was SCARED.
I went to the phone to call my mum and found a rare looking dime on the floor. Me and Sarah thought it was a sign cuz we found one JUST like it at the mall earlier. I call my mum, say we're here but will probably wait outside.
Sarah and I walked thru the kitchen to where the stairs led down to the basement. I wanted to check if she was down there cuz I could hear the tv lightly. But I was frozen in fear. The staircase was inclosed and you can only see in the room when you get the the bottom of the stairs and peek around. I stood staring at the bottom of the stairs sure that someone was gonna pop up there. If they did... even if it was Myla I would have passed out... right down on that floor. Im not kidding I was SCARED.
Sarah and I went back to the front door and waited. We left the main door open but the screen closed "just incase" We were yakking still wondering WHAT was going on when out of no where the house filled with the loudest bang. I still shudder thinking about it. I started to turn around (cuz I had been looking out the screen door) but Sarah screamed GO! and I thought there was someone chasing us.
OMG just like out of a movie I could NOT get that door open! All you have to do is push the handle but I was trying to turn it for what felt like 5 minutes. Finally Sarah PUSHED my hand into the handle, the door flew open and we ran. The icy stairs id almost fallen down in high shoes the last few times I went down them were like nothing to me down. I FLEW down em. Even with my life in danger I stuck to the path infront of Myla's house while Sarah took a shortcut across the lawn and got her hair temporarily stuck in a tree. We got the the end of the driveway and I yelled "WAIT!"
Sarah stopped. Im like "Whoever it is is NOT gonna chase us into the street, lets see if anyone in the house moves" We watched the windows (that had no curtains) for about 2 minutes and saw nothing. I asked Sarah if she saw anything after the bang like someone chasing us and she said no, she just heard it and screamed "go".
Back we walked slipping and sliding, following our previous footprints to the payphone. We got there and called mum to get us. "Should we call the police?" I asked. She said no, it was probably nothing, we were over reacting.
As we're waiting for mum to get us a police car comes by and goes into the store. We debated whether or not to tell him and decided no. We were idiots.
My dad came and as we drove by the house we looked again... still looked the same. Sarah had even closed the main door as we ran for our lives!!! A few minutes later I decided to call the house one last time. Myla answered!!! Im like "We waited for an hr and a half where were you?!" She answered
"We were getting stuff to paint the house. We're gonna have the party next month"
OMG! I could have died. Im like "Why didnt you TELL me?" shes like "I thought you knew!"
HOW WOULD I KNOW? LOL. Then she said "I think someone was in my house... there are footprints" but I never said it was us INCASE she got angry... Im like "Its probably ur imagination"
Ive never visited Myla's house again cuz Im sure it would give me chills. To this day I do not know what that big bang was. Maybe a sign to leave incase Myla arrived and was mad we were in there? Who knows? Spoooooooky.

Wow... okay Im redoing this post. I originally was screaming and ranting like a crazy person about how depressed I was. I cried and cried and typed and typed and then when I read it I realized I sounded like a total nutjob. Im gonna stop posting shit like that. Nobody needs needs to read that kind of stuff.
I apologize. No more crazy talk. Im not suicidal... Im just bored.

I wanna die...
It's one of those days... Im hit with such over whelming depression I just want my fucking little life to end. **sigh** My life is so pointless and worthless right now and has been since I can remember. My aunt is positive I'll be real happy one day and that the worst is over. Ya? Then why isn't it getting any better?
Why am I on this planet? I haven't had a date since 1999. No one loves me. I have no friends... Im just a lump. A pointless lump. People come by to poke but don't wanna get to know me.
Net friends are great... but they are no substitute for love. And eventhough I can't stand people touching me... I could really use a hug...
I wish net friends were real life ones. Ones I could go out to the mall with and see movies... cuz the couple net friends I have are my best friends... and that's so sad I can't help crying...
My uncle pointed out to me: Your idea of a good time is playing video games with your brother?!?
Yes... thats me. Sad ass little freak in the basement... God strike me down now! No one would even notice.

I went for my written driving test yesterday. There were two tests... one on rules and one on road signs. The one on sign I passed right away but the other I failed by ONE question... but I got to go again and passed. I never even studied and I can drive... shit Ive never even driven a damn car, if I got in one now Id kill someone. Scary...
Anywho my mum is all proud of me. I guess Im happy too... eventhough its gonna be another YEAR before I can drive on my own. If I knew the written was that damn easy I would have taken it when I was 16...

The other night I was listening to some tapes I had made with my friends. One with me and Sarah, one with me and Dewald, one with me and Melissa... I don't talk to these people anymore, but the tapes put a HUGE smile on my face. We were so happy... now I have NO idea whats even going on with them...
I also found a tape of me at about 10 yrs old. I use to sit alone in a room, record my voice and make up songs. They were shitty, but I was amazing at even 10 the kinda stuff I made up TOTALLY on a whim. I didnt even write em down or practice first. Here is a snippit of one song I sang:

Sometimes people are mean to me, but they do not know
My little secret... can I tell you? You'll probably laugh but it is true
Im the king of the world! Im the king of the world and the sky so bright
Im the king of the light, for now, today

Hmm, a hidden message in there eh? Even back then I think I just wanted friends more then anything.

OMG OMG OMG OMG EWWW
Okay I was babysitting yesterday but I won't say where cuz my luck they will read this someday! Okay so I go in the kitchen for a snack. I see peanuts on the counter and Im like hey! Peanuts! Yum! So I pick up the container and I saw something behind it. Im like what's that? A balloon? So I go up to it and it was (dun dun dun DUN) A USED CONDOM! I almost died. I spit out the peanuts in my mouth and threw em away. I put the container back infront of it quick and was all grossed out the rest of the day.
ON THE KITCHEN ON THE COUNTER! MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Hmm, I said Id make this blog more interesting... I wonder how. I know, Ill tell you a story! When I was 16 my mum and I lived in a trailer park for 6 months. Now don't label me trailer trash because it was actually SO fun. I went swimming everyday, I got tanned and thin... it was like a 6 month vacation and I LOVE to camp! My dog loved it too! Anywho I didn't have any friends there at first. After about a week or two this family came kiddie corner from us. They had two little girls who my sister and brother (when they were with us and not with my dad... because of school they were only with us on weekends) would play with. Turned out they were looking to buy a farm around here so they were camping out for weeks and weeks too. They had an older son who I fell for... probably more out of lonelyness then anything. To those who knows me, this was Dewald who Ive probably blabbed about a lot. Anywho at first after spending many days together he's like "id ask you out but we're leaving soon" this went on for like 2 more weeks when we came to realize no one was going anywhere. We dated for a month and OMG did we have so much fun! Ill teel you those stories another day! Anywho he told me his parents were abusive (which I believe now is a lie) so we got engaged. I wake up one day and look out my window to see them packing their stuff. I was freaked and sad... but waited for him to come to me because his parents HATED ME. Afetr they were done packing Dewald comes over. "My parents are freaked by this marrage thing. Im only 17 and ur only 16... so we're going to another campground. Ill write you as soon as we get there"
I never did hear from him til March... but anywho after he left in July (I believe it was July) I kinda became lonely cuz now I had no one to talk to or hang with. The big camping season was on and I ended up meeting a girl named Lisa who was 14 but looked 18. Everyone thought she was older then me. She worked at the little store there beside the pool and lived in a perminate trailor with her grandparents who I THINK co owned the campground... I can't remember.
Anywho we hung out yadda yadda... one night while sitting with her while she closed I was watching the kids in the pool. There was this one girl who was like 15 and so pretty... she looked like a model! I thought "I wish I looked like that..."
After we closed it was reeal dark on the grounds with just a few street light thingys. It was huge so we kinda explored before sitting on a rock by the bathrooms. The hot girl came up to us on the way to the bathroom at about 10:30pm or so. Introduced herself (I cant remember as what) and sat down and we talked. Then this little black boy Gabriel comes by. He says he dad beat him and he was scared... he was about... hmm... 13? So we yakked with him and then he's like "Shit my dad's coming!" so he hides behind us and he dad is like "Have you seen Gabe?!" and we're like "Noo...." and he's like "Gabe! I can see you hiding" and Gabe didnt moved so his dad finally left... Gabe was laughing his ass off. I think he was more of a trouble maker then an abused kid. Later we were joined by two teenaged guys who Lisa and I had met at the playground that day. Lisa's grandparents were strict and she had to be inside by midnight so she went off about then while I stayed and hung out with my little group!
Gabe was acting like he was drunk and it was kinda funny... I dunno if he was but Im kinda sure he was! We decided to explore... at the very back of an open field we see a lone trailor. We're like "Oooh! Lets explore!" The guys took Gabe to the washroom to puke so me and the hot girl went alone... actually Lisa was still with us at this point... she left right after. So three young girls going alone in pitch darkness... how fucking stupid were we?! Pretty stupid!
We get there and there is a little fire going and a dog tied up. So we're talking to the dog (ya we're intellegent!!!!) and this old guy comes out of the trailer surprised. The hot girl (I THINK her name was Danielle... thats what Ill call her) and Lisa and I sat at the picknick table to yak with him because he said he liked the company. Now you must know that when you sit at a picknick table getting out FAST is not easy because ur kinda enclosed in there. The old guy asked how old we are... the offers us a beer. I was afraid it was poisened (a duh... stupid 16 yr old kid) so I said no but Danielle had one. Lisa said no too. He asked him to guess which one of us was oldest. He picked Lisa. hehe... wrong. I was. Anywho he started seeming kinda creepy... and I THINK he was playing footsies with Danielle. So Im thinking we better go cuz I dont trust this guy. he went into his trailer to get something. Danielle confirmed he was playing footsies with her and Im like "Lets go... now!" So we fall on our asses getting outta that picknick table and we start to run. We hear the man come out and start SCREAMING for us! I think we gave him fake names... ya we did. So hes screaming and we meet up with the guys and we are SCARED and the guys are like "what?!" and Im like "run run run!" and Gabe falls OVER and we practically carried him running! We sat at a picknick table under a light SO scared. Lisa went home at that point. The rest of us stayed and talked for a bit then decided to go back to the rocks near the bathroom (this story keeps giong for awhile... just a warning LOL)
We're sitting around smoking and yakkin and this woman comes by. Shit I can NOT remember her name at all... but I reconzied her as living in a trailer about 4 or 5 down from me. She was about 35 but looked about 45. Pure trailer trash the real deal! Big blonde hair real thin haggy voice...
So she's like WAY drunk and is like "I have cards if you guys wanna play" and we're like "OKAY!" So she tried to teach us to play poker but she was too drunk... it was hilarious tho! Then we decided to play truth or dare. One of the guys dared me and Danielle to kiss... but I was SO shy I didnt really wanna! Danielle was all for it and then she's like "We dont have to if you dont want to" so I said I didnt want to. Then one of them dared Danielle to take her top off and shes like NO! At this point one of the guys had his head in my lap because he said he was tired. LOL. I didnt care, I was patting his head and playing with his hair.
Gabe (who was concious at this point lol) dared the old woman to kiss him. Shes like "no baby" and hes like come on! And he kisses her and like forces her on the ground and I swear was practically trying to make out with her! And Im like thinking wtf?!? Everyone was laughing including old woman but Im like wow... and the guys finally go "okay Gabe get off"
Danielle at the point went to the washrooms. So we're talking or playing or whatever and suddenly we hear Danielle screaming. We look up and she's running at us WITHOUT A TOP ON! No bra or anything. Im like WTF?!?! She was like real big up there so there was no mistaking those things flying around! She covered herself up FAST and I was the only one who really saw cuz I was facing the washrooms... the guys were in HEAVEN with the peak they got! LOL
Old woman gets tired and retires to her trailor... at this point its like 2am. We hung out for a bit and then Im like "Hey I know where her trailer is... lets go!"
So we go and we peeked in the windows and saw her alseep in bed with the tv on. So we tapped on the windows and were giggling. Gabe peed on the side of the trailer... fucking dog!
Anywho we see her wake up and are like ahh! We go around to the door (minus Gabe who was peeing) and suddenly she opens the door BUCK NAKED and says "Come on in the water's fine!"
The guys's EYES fell out of their head I swear!! She goes in and throws on a robe and we follow her in. Gabe comes around and I whipser what happened and he was SO MAD he missed it!
We place was a dump... old food and shit everywhere. Not much happened in there, we talked for like 5 mins and left... bewildered! We walk Danielle back to her camp spot where she had a TINY tent for like one person. She invited one of the guys in with her and I THINK they made out... we stood outside listening lol.
Then the guys walked me to my trailer... and ya thats about it.
I never saw those kids again except for Lisa ofcourse. The old woman broke a window in her trailer after a fight with her bf and was arrested for having drugs.
The guy at the trailer in the field was always around in a pickup truck. Me and Lisa were so scared of him. Wed be hanging out and suddenly he was there but he NEVER said anything!!!
Oh and two days after that night I had another amazing night with a new group of people (And Lisa) btu Ill tell that story another time!

*yawn* Bloody 1pm and Im tired as hell. I wish I knew why I was always tired. I talked to my doctor but she's a quack. I want a new one. She think's it's depression... but it doesn't matter it I sleep 4 hrs or 12 Im ALWAYS TIRED.
Also my doctor said my heart is fine... hmm, considering I can SEE the thing beating and sometimes its so loud I can't sleep at night. Ya... peachy keen!
Anywho Im just bitching again :p ooh I updated my 100 list cuz Keri said it was too negitive. So updated it is! I got to 64 now. I gotta think of more interesting stuff other then drag queens and eatting kleenex... I dunno. Maybe by the end of the week Ill reach 100.
Im bored AGAIN. Im yakking with Pua and Keri about... well nothing actually. Pua and I were talking about travelling and Keri was telling me about Melissa Etheridge singing in Spanish! hehe
Okie dokie I am outtie. I will try and make my next entry betta!

Im bored... and Im tired... bored tired and kinda hungry and... depressed and... I think that's it. I visited my friend's mum's site today... it inspired me to do this: {{clickee}} but it's didn't go as well as I thought it was gonna...
I really wish I could lose weight. I wanna excerise but I find that I don't... and I wanna diet but food is comforting to me and I can't stop. I do it without knowing Im doing it. It's so damn depressing I hate it!
Wow... I spaced for like 10 minutes there LOL...
Anyway Im real tired and last time I blabbed on a little too long so Im gonna log off early... ya why am I even posting tonight? Hmm...
Geez I feel high... what did I eat? Yogurt... hmm

I must be a terrible person... something about me must give people the wrong impression or idea. I try to be nice... but maybe the way I appear turns people off.
I got banned from a message board today... no biggie cuz they were jerks... but they like ganged up on me and Im not sure why.
When I was visiting my uncle and his gf Sue last weekend we were chatting about when we were in school. I started telling her how I was bullied in school. A few times during the story she started crying... really crying. I apologized, not sure why she was crying and she said "I just can't believe people were so mean to you..." and Im thinking "You can't...?"
When I was real little like grade 3 is when I first remember stuff. This girl started it cuz she didn't like me and had her friends join in. One reccess they formed a circle around me and I could only escape by spitting at one girl... which I got in trouble for. Another reccess they chased me screaming. I ran into the school and into the bathrooms... they climbed in and under the stall trying to get to me... I ran outside and saw a teacher... I hugged her and begged her to help me. I still remember what her coat felt like... so safe...
In grade 8 these two girls Amy and Katy really hated me... without any reason I was aware of. They constantly picked on me saying I wore the same pants every single day which I didn't... and they'd get others to join in. In Art class they sat infront of me and a guy in the back was calling rude things and throwing shit at me while they laughed... I turned around just in time to get a rubber band in the eye. Suddenly Amy is all like "Omg... are you okay?" I felt like hitting her.
In gym class I was sitting out watching the cool girls who I desperatly wanted to be a part of play volleyball. One of them kicked the ball at me and it slammed me in the face.... in shock I went to the teacher who didnt know it happened and asked to go to the bathroom. She said "You got 5 mins" cuz at the time we were being timed due to vandalism in the bathrooms... I never went back to class that day. Gone 45 mins and the teacher never even noticed.
Later that yr while in the crowded halls I stepped on the back of the heel of a girl infront of me. "Watch it" she snapped "Walk faster" I snapped back... it was almost the end of the yr and I was so tired of being picked on. But I instantly regretted what I said... At last recess I was told I was gonna be killed for what I said to her. When school ended SO many people knew and I was scared. I called my dad for a ride home but he didn't want to get me. I went outside with a friend and was stopped by a crowd of at least 20 people. They screamed and teased me. More joined from the highschool until there were at least 50 kids around me. I kept saying sorry as they flicked lit cigarettes at me and poured coke in my hair. I said a million times I was sorry for what I said to her... I dont even remember her name right now. But her friend Candace I do remember. She made me kneel to apologize... she told me to kiss the other girl's shoes which the other girl thankfully said "No, that's okay" I was trying so damn hard not to cry infront of them... my friend stood there the whole time watching... not getting me help or anything. Finally they said "You can go if you promise to not tell anyone about this" I said "I swear to God please let me go. I wont tell" Walking home a kid followed me on his bike "You are so fucking lucky" "I KNOW" I said trying to walk faster and faster. I got home and slammed the door and said "Im never going to school again and you can't make me!" I told my parents what happened... they could see the pop and ashes in my hair and called the school. For that the girl who's shoes I stepped on was suspended one day. Candace got nothing. I went to school the next day to clean my locker since the yr was almost over anyway I was leaving. The girl who got suspended was just coming out of the office and she was crying. She gave me a look that said "How could you do this to me?"
In grade 9 and 10 I was still picked on but not AS much. I was pretty happy in Gr 9 but in gr 10 I became more rebelious. I ditched my large group of friends for a trouble maker named Marla and a boyfriend named Taylor who cheated on me WITH Marla. I skipped almost all my classes and didn't give a shit until just before my birthday I was warned... smarten up or your gone. I was failing every class but one... I decided I WOULD smarten up. I started going to classed and was doing pretty good. Until February... I was accused of arson and kicked out of the school. My principal hated me although I did nothing to him in my life. He picked on me just as those kids had. He even lied at court and told the judge I confessed to starting the fire. But it wasn't me. It was Marla. She admitted it and got probation. I just got more humilation... crying on the stand and being harrassed by the lawyer on the side against me.
The judge found me not guilty.
So I left school and since have pretty much had no friends. I dont really trust people... I wonder why? I had one bf after Taylor but that was a bad situation altogether and I didn't love him. Now Im 22... I have no friends and no boyfriend. I talk on the computer to nice people I wish I knew irl but even on the comp I get those who decided to be mean and pick on me. It's not as bad tho. I never did understand what i did in school that made people hate me. When I was a kid I was very cute... and nice and sweet. People hated me. At 11 I found myself ugly and hated myself... but I was thin and nice to people. And people hated me. From 12 on I became chubby and uglier... I hated myself very much and at times when I was a teenager I considered suicide. But I was nice to those around me... and people hated me. Maybe Im not supposed to be nice... Ive tried that since I was 16... I am friendless and alone and jobless living in my parents basement. I stay home every weekend and I have no life. I cry everyday and I hate myself. And why am I writing such a LONG entry that no one in their right mind would sit and read? Cuz Im feeling sorry for myself and I want someone to feel sorry for me too and tell me "Its okay... I love you" That wont happen... because anywho who happens to read this don't know me... no one does. I wish someone would want to know me. I have so many stories... mostly sad some happy and funny... I just want someone to be so intrested in me and love me so much... and Im feeling sorry for myself again.

Oy ever have one of those days? Okay I got woken up at 7am because my neighbor needed me to come over and babysit his 3 yr old daughter Allanah. No problem, I love her and eventhough I was DEAD FRIGGEN TIRED FROM ONLY 5 HRS OF SLEEP I said sure. It was til noon and then I was to walk Allanah to her daycare. Okay the weather is bitter BITTER cold. I picked her up last night and my hands were in PAIN it was so cold and that was with two pairs of gloves on. So anywho I got there and the morning went by kinda slow... I had to keep from falling asleep like 10 TIMES. 11:30 I start getting her bundled up and shoved into her stroller with all that gear on. Then I get myself done, walk out the door lock it leaving my purse behind (I'd get it when I dropped off the stroller) and go. BITTER winds omg... this kids eyes were the only things showing and she still had tears! Poor baby. At one point the wind was so bad I had to brace my back against it and wait it would cuz it was blowing us off course!!
I get there, peel her out of 10 layers of crap... she doesnt wanna go... she always acts shy when being handed off to another person. I finally get her off me *hehe* and brave the weather with an empty stroller that barely touched the God damn ground cuz of the wind!
JUST as Im coming up the sidewalk to the house where the wind is the worst I get a sudden fear I don't have my keys. I reach into my pocket... no there. My other pocket... there's my keychain WHEW. Get the the door and no key. The fucking key had come off the ring... how does THAT happen? It was on its own ring and it came off?!?!? I was MAD. I bring the stroller home and call her daycare. Anyone seen keys? Answering machine... shit. I hadnt set the alarm at Allanah's, my purse was still there and I wanted it cuz my glasses and cell phone were in it!
So I decided to once again brave that fucking weather... I checked Allanah's a MILLION times cuz I thought if I go and come back and they are sitting at the door Ill flip. No keys... so I walk and walk and walk to the school. Ask around "anyone seen my keys?" No. Im SO mad at this point... I go home again (at this point it had been an hr since I FIRST left the house with Allanah) the whole time my eyes are to the ground... there were two keys together on this chain and one had a red... thing like spot u grab the key was red so anywho Im looking for red in all this white snow... nothing. Come up the sidewalk to her house... and guess what was in the snow on the from lawn... the keys! I wanted to cry!!! I went back for NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I grabbed em up walked back home got the stroller, BACK to Allanah's dropped it off, got my purse checked on the dog set the alarm and went HOME.
Oh and by the way... both key rings were in PERFECT condition... how the key came off and wiggled out of my pocket is a mystery. I didn't even have my hand near the pocket after I left the house. The key was 8 feet from the door and the key went straight in my pocket as soon as the door was locked... weeeeeiiiiiirrdd

I was talking to my mum about my blog the other day. I went on for about 20 minutes and when I stopped talking she looked blankly at me and said "what's a blog?" okay so she's not totally computer savy, but it was funny... so I explained and whatever. Mum's can be so cute.
Going to my grandparents for dinner... was supposed to leave 13 mins ago... but we're STILL here! I think my mum is still getting ready. Ive been ready since 1:20... I don't take long to get ready... Im not whatcha call... "into my looks" nothing I do improves them so why bother? I brush my hair, throw on clothes that are clean and leave the house with a smoke in my mouth. Im even growing out my bangs because Im too lazy to keep cutting them. Ive had bangs my whole life... I think I let em grow a few times when I was little but I have had bangs pretty consistantly since I was 12. So now that Im growing them out you know what I realize? My eyebrows are WEIRD. No seriously... they are think but not really... not so much I HAVE to trim em... pluck em... shave em? whatever. But my right brow looks like there is a chunk missing from the top... it looks like I shaved a bit off the top of one side of the brow. How stupid looking is it? VERY. I can't even shape them to even it out cuz its at the top... not the bottom where everyone plucks from. And I dont WANNA get into plucking... it sucks.
So I have two options... live with it or cut my bangs. I miss them... kinda but I really wanted to grow em out...
ARGH my bloody rabbit is stomping the bottom of his cage again. I HATE THAT. Its SO loud and it scares the hell out of me and he usually does it in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT... like last night... and he's doing it now and I have to leave the room cuz it's hurting my ears...
What away to end the eyebrow story...