not fair...

I have to change my msn and my blog addy because someone ELSE is a biotch. Oh well... I like change. I want my blog name to be different and now it can be. Dunno what Im gonna change it to. Anywho Ill be changing over in a couple weeks so if you want the new addy let me know ahead of time okies?
Im off to rest before work. So damn sick!

*special hugs to Kevin and Tuyet and anyone else who has left me a sweet message in my guestbook... u have no idea how it makes my day!!*

Just finished day 6 of my 10 days in a row work week. Well, week and a half I guess hehe. Im TIRED. Was at sportchek today... 8 and a half hr day! Thank God I dont have another one of thoses for awhile. I dont have one scheduled yet that I know of hehe.
Today was a good day. I worked with Malcolm who was being he usual asshole self lol... but I still think he's nice. When he wants to be. And sweety pie Jacquie. So my day wasn't too bad eventho it was DEAD. I work there again tomorrow nite, but 5 hrs should go by faster.
Yesterday I got overstressed at work. I had been on my feet since 2:15 walking to the doc and home and to work. I pretty much walked from 2:15-4 with a little break in between when I had my eyes checked. I hadn't eaten either. I find I dont have much time to eat anymore so I feel kinda weak a lot. Oh well, I can afford to skip some meals hehe. Anywho I feel like everyone at Sears is wound up so tight and I was the first to break. I bawled on the phone when Heidi called... she literally called at the WORST time because I was at my breaking point when that phone rang. Then I felt stupid for getting hysterical. It wasn't even just tears, she couldn't understand me at first because I couldn't talk. Its was the "hic hic hic" cry and I was all shakey and I felt faint afterwards. I was a M-E-S-S! Then I felt majorly embarrassed and stupid afterwards. She was good about it tho. I got home and relaxed after. And I got to see Doug yesterday. He came to pic up the pics and hired me to do his personal site! So I gots two pages for work on. I did some of the duo page last nite til I realized it was 1:30am and I needed to be up in 6 and a half hrs. Oops. I work up today tired as hell and dragged my ass. BUT I get to relax tonight and sleep in tomorrow *ahhh*. Gonna work on the pages after American Idol tonite. Wonder who will get kicked out... oooh. My mum thinks Nicco. We have an unofficial $1 bet :p
Im cold. And uncomfy. Still in my work clothes. I needed to write tho. Its like an addiction (shut up Rod lol). Seriously, I have to get my feelings out because I am NOT good at expressing myself in real life. lol... like me writing isnt real life... but you know what I mean. My thoughts come out better on paper... or screen.
Blah I tried to have fried today, the same size I have all the time when I eat lunch and I had like half and felt sick... waste of like $4! Its all Ive eaten today and Im not hungry for dinner. Its weird... where the hell is my appitite? Maybe this is my body healing itself and me NOT relying on food... wow thats a first hehe. Still fat tho! Dag yo.
OKies well Im gonna fly off. Change and wash my gross dusty hands and wait for someone interesting to come online and keep me companty. Latah.

There's nothing behind your eyes
And there's dust in your heart
I'm sorry you've been broken
And totally ripped apart

So I got hired to do the webpage for Funk and Crawford. Yay. So Im gonna start working on it soon. The main structure of the page is done, so the hard part is over. Doug came into the studio yesterday and we shot the shit for like 20 mins. He's so nice. He said he liked which is good. Im glad they both like it. And it looks like they may need me to do individual pages for them as well. Sweetness. Im very happy. I love building sites... and this will be a site people will actually go to haha. Unlike this one *pout*
Gotta go to the eye doctors in like an hr. Walking there cuz mum is working. Shes doing my shift so I can go to the doctor and work at Sears at 4. Meaning tho that I have to take her shift tomorrow... so tomorrow will be day 6 of my 10 day in a row work week. Hehe. Not that Im complaining. My Sunday shift was only 3 and a half hrs, and my shift tonight it only 5. Yesterday was 8 and a half and tomorrow is about that too. So ya... babble babble.
Anywho I will post the site for Funk n Crawford when its up and running. Exciting hehe. Well for me. I tend to get over excited over little things :p
*yawnnnnnn* tired. I finally had the chance to sleep in today for the first time since last week and the phone farkin wakes me up at like 9am. SO mad. Guess I aint allowed to sleep in hehe. ooh, American Idol tonight. Woo. That one guy Mario quit... moron.
haha anywho, I dont have anything important to say. My damn back aches because of pilates last nite. Doy. Gonna go a lot of walking today. To the doc's then back home then to work. Each walk is about 20 mins... so an hr of walking. Not bad.
OOH! My song just came on! "There's an army on the dance floor, it's a fashion with a gun my love" god I love this song. Obsessed with it recently. 80's music ROX. I love playing Vice City and driving the cars fast on the fly cheat to the sweet 80's music up real loud. LOL. Ya Im a loser... stop telling me that :p

Forbidden
I have butterflies in my stomach. Ive had them all day. When I see you I dont know if I should smile or scream. Our relationship is wrong. Everything we say is wrong. What we do is evil. It was a one in a million chance we would ever meet. From two completely different world, yet we understand eachother. Share the same thoughts and feelings. The same life experiences. But, what I feel about you, should be forbidden. Something only the devil could have thought up. I shouldn't even talk to you, or look at you, or like you. I want to hate you, but I dont. I cant. Am I bad? Am I wrong? Why do you trust me? Do I trust you? How can I when I dont trust anyone? When I dont even trust myself anymore. I can't stop thinking of you and our time together. We dont even know eachother, but we know eachother so deeply. How is that possible? A mental mind fuck. I should turn around, walk away, never look back, but I cant. We're in too deep now my darling. In the eyes of the world, in the eyes of God, this is forbidden. In my eyes, its so good its scary. You scare me. And Im now scared of myself. What am I supposed to do now? I can't even think straight. Everything is a blur. Stop those damn butterflies before I get sick.

Am I so transparent?

Hmm... I always think Im this secretive thing. No one knows what Im thinking and feeling. Then someone who barely knows me tells me exactly what I am. Interesting.
Well... what I was. I dont think of myself as the poor victim in a fucked up world anymore. I am woman, hear me roar. Life sucks, yes. But who cares? I wanna have fun. And Im eating a little better, and a lot LESS. And Im working out and walking to work when I can. I have a more positive outlook on the world. Someone doesnt like me, screw em. Im sick of changing who I am for whatever person I happen to be with just so they will pay attention to me for 10 mins before they get bored with the fakeness that is I.
So yes, open the doors for the new me. HAHAHA... omg how many times have I said Im a changed person just to end up back in that corner crying "why me"? Well... a lot. but I do think its different this time. I feel, almost chipper. Giddy. Its a little disturbing haha. but fun. Im still the most emotional person on the planet, but so what? At least Im not a robot. At least I can FEEL my emotions. At least I have em and can express em!
I dont know how long I am on this planet for, but Im not gonna spend anymore time shying away from the world. Im not gonna keep pining for a man who may or may not ever come. What will happen, will happen. Im just riding the wave, going with the flow... and its so much easier on my heart =)

Sitting next to the small ghost of someone Id just killed...

Man, I gotta stop going so long without writing. I dont know why I having been writing a lot lately. I feel like all I ever do is eat sleep work and go to school. My life is blah. Cept today. I dont have to do a damn thing. No school, no work... just relax. Even had the house to myself all day. My sister and brother will be coming home soon tho.
So ya... been doing some working out again today. I wanna be thin so BADLY but I just find it so hard to commit to losing my gross fat. Sux. I gotta try harder. Oy.
So... oh I wrote this at work last week. I usually post what I write at work on here right away, but I haven't been on in a bit. Anywho who knows me well knows who this is about :p

Where Are You?

Where are you? Where is my love in this crowd? I saw your face so briefly, in a flash. You were there. My heart stopped as you passed by me. My face was smiling in anticipation you would look my way and smile back, but you didn't see me. And then you were gone. I turned around and could no longer see you in the busy crowd of people. Did you go right or straight? Right or straight? My love, where are you? I go right. My eyes dart everywhere. You are here, somewhere, in the same place as me! But here is so big and there are so many roads. I walk faster. Looking every way possible. Scanning for your face. There are so many boundries. You could be in one of a dozen places I can't enter. I look in each doorway as I pass. You are not there. No one is there. This crowded place suddenly seems empty. But where are you? Every doorway is empty. My love, please show your face. I just need to see it once. Im pining for you. I finally give up. Exhausted, I retreat. Ive lost you. Where are you?

So ya... not my best but its right from real life. So... I shall try and write on here more. :p For the one person who reads it occassionally. TA!

being a girl

Argh I hate when I work the days I have school. I ti-diddly-ired. But whatev. I need money and I have no life... so why not work and go to school?
Hmm... its funny how people say Im nice and friendly and all that, but no one ever really pays attention to me. Like at work today I was mum's helper, and everyone talked to mum and acknowledged mum and I just kinda tagged along silently. I got the odd hey or whatever. But I dont know... made me feel invisable. But, like I always say, I feel like no one sees me anyway. If they do its because they want something from me. They're eyes focus on my presence and I notice and I smile and they stay stone faced and say "can I get this and this and that from you? and do this and do that and goodbye"... its so sad being me.
Its hard to tell if I even exsist. Hmm... ponder ponder. ya Im just feeling sorry for myself today. Its one of those days. Ill be back to my ol' perky annoying self tomorrow =)